It started out on a cold dark morning. I was carefully driving up the hill at an even 25 miles per hour. I glided to a stop for exactly 3 seconds and then proceeded through the stop sign, only to see the most glorious sight. A DEAD MOTHER FUCKING BIRD! Right there in the middle of the road. Just waiting for me. Or lying in wait, which sounds much cooler and also more accurate.
Now anyone who knows me at all, is already aware of my irrational fear/loathing of birds. This includes all manner of nasty winged creature. Chickens mostly, but turkeys, pigeons, parrots, canaries...all of them. Semi-cute from afar but terrifying up close. Seriously, they all deserve to die in a ceiling fan accident, which totally coincidentally happened one time to a nasty bird who tried to peck my eyes out and swooped me like a million times. That my friends, is called Bird Karma. Burn bastard bird! Suck...it...YEAH! Listen, they all want to peck your eyes out. One look into those soulless beady little eyes proves my point. I have been attacked by birds no less than 1000 times. Probably it was like twice but it felt a lot more dramatic than it sounds now that I am writing it. Also? To be fair, a chicken totally brushed against the back of my leg while trying to peck my toe off and eat it, and when I kicked at it and screamed...IT DIDN'T RUN! Now you totally get it right? Fucking pecker! Heh heh heh Not the point of this post but I feel like I need to explain why I was excited about seeing a dead bird. But I digress..clearly.
Any..way, instead of thinking gross or going around it, my very first thought was "ooooohhhh my GOSH, I am totally gonna come back up here on my break and poke that with a big stick". Followed by a loud snort and a "heh heh heh heh poke it with a big stick...that's what she said". I laughed all the way to work...because that my friends, is what you call comedy.
A few months ago I coined a new phrase, a threat actually. In recent months my wickedly awesome family has taken to using the threat of a wiener punch for everything. Or WP for short. I have used it on everyone. It started with my nephew because he really needed one, then became a song and now will live on in infamy forever more. Here are the words so that you too may enjoy the wiener punch song...
Who wants a wiener punch
a wiener punch, a wiener punch?
Who wants a wiener punch?
JONATHAN DOES!!!
I know, a-mazing right? We will also use a bang-cock as needed, mostly because I want to say cock and not have it be weird.
Updated October 2012- I wrote this post originally in January and only now realized I neither finished it nor posted it. But now I forgot the rest of what I was going to say so never mind....now you get to read a half cocked (heh heh heh) unfinished post. Sucker!
There are several phrases that everyone should add to their repertoire...they are as follows:
In response to:
Where is the...? If it was up your butt you'd know.
What time is it? Time to get a mother effing watch or half past a monkeys ass quarter to his balls
Who...? Your mom
Try using them at work, makes for some great conversations. I'm serious, I do it all the time. Speaking of work and being a ten year old boy inside...
Today there was a possibly dead or maybe even just stunned bird out the front doors of our office building. Nicole gets the call and promptly enlists me to check it out with her. Her intent was to try and "save" it cause that's what she does. Why I don't know...birds are gross, see above. My intent, to poke it should it be dead. Well we were in luck, it was tits up, dead as a doornail, ready for the big swirly to the sewer. It totally committed suicide by slamming into the front glass doors. Because birds are nasty, beady eye peckers. although this one was slightly cute, even dead. Instead of respectfully disposing of its tiny body, we took some pictures of it first.
Then we walked it in the paper towel all the other way around to the other side of the opposite building just to place it in the grass to return to the earth. Nicole made me do that. I would have thrown it in the trash. She was sure the Bank of Marin people were watching and judging us, like throwing it away was worse than taking pictures of it complete with photo bomb. At first when I put it in the bushes in went head down ass up which I thought was kind of awesome, but Nicole did not agree. She is so weird sometimes. Then i had to grab it by the tail with the paper towel and lay it serenely in the grass. Rest in Peace nasty little bird.
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