Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Twas the Night Before Christmas...according to Jeni.
Twas the Night Before Christmas By Clement Moore (including special commentary by me...you're welcome)
Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...save for the sounds of gunfire from video games in the living room. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there...well more like on the lowest shelf so my kids don't pull the stabby hangers down onto their faces and impale themselves with the cute snowman's arms, effectively ruining Christmas for everyone. First day, they wrecked it.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads...until Kayden got up because she was scared of said sugarplums and said she had to sleep with me. And mama in her kerchief, and I in my cap, had just settled down for a long winters nap...lets be real, I am not wearing a kerchief nor is TJ wearing a cap, and I just settled down with a peppermint martini to watch some Real Housewives and TJ is playing COD Black Ops II until the kids are for sure out so we can put out presents. Be jealous.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutter and threw up the sash. The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow, gave the luster of midday to objects below. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer....OK first off, if there was a clatter I would be the only one springing from the bed because TJ would be snoring so loud he wouldn't hear it, and then I would be to scared to look for fear that when I opened my blinds (sash..really?) there would be a face staring back at me. Also, definitely no snow, just the glare of the streetlight outside. Plus everyone knows there are nine reindeer.
With a little old driver so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St Nick...or possibly a crazy homeless guy, one of those. More rapid than eagles his coursers they came...yeah, no idea what that means. And he whistled and shouted, and called them by name. Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer and Vixen! On Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen!...ummmm does no one remember, but do you recall, the most famous reindeer of all? Rudolph of course, who forgets him in their story...super RUDE! To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall, now dash away, dash away, dash away all.
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky. So up to the housetop the coursers they flew, with the sleigh full of toys and St Nicholas too....I suspect the author was running out of rhymes at this point due to the hurricane reference. Not sure where he was going with that. And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof, the prancing and pawing of each little hoof. As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound!...and I screamed bloody murder and tried to run away because a stranger just broke into my house.
He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot...which led me to believe he had robbed several other house already due to the amount of ninja disguise he was wearing. A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack....need I say more, peddler? So sketchy. His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples how merry, his cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry..which was either from the cold or the eggnog he was swilling out of a snowman flask to stay warm. His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow...at least I hope its snow..I'm just saying, you stay up all night breaking into peoples house, you just can't be sure. I feel like I'm right to be suspicious.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath...couple things here, how rude is it to smoke in someones home, and I know that wasn't tobacco dude, please. He had a broad face and a round little belly, that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly (which I suspect is a byproduct of the munchies). He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, and I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself. A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head soon led me to know I had nothing to dread...mostly I laughed from the contact high I was getting from his pipe and the smoke rings he kept blowing in my face.
He spoke not a word but went straight to work, and filled all the stockings and turned with a jerk...which completely scared the crap outta me and I may or may not have screamed and peed a little. And laying a finger aside of his nose (or in, it was hard to tell in the dim light) and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose...this I pictured like the kid who got stuck in the chocolate lake tube on Willie Wonka where once the pressure got too bad he shot up and out! He sprang to his sleigh (come on, he moseyed at best, he's in no shape to spring all fat and stoned) to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight...MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!!!
Friday, October 19, 2012
Uh oh, someone is a ten year old boy inside. Hint: It's me.
Lately, I have come to the realization that inside I am actually a 10 year old boy. Not like I'm really a boy and gonna whack off my boobs "inside". Don't make it weird. Like I have the same sense of humor, and reaction to life that 10 year old boys have. It was a slow awkwardly funny realization that mostly took place at work. Coincidentally, not a great place for realizations.
It started out on a cold dark morning. I was carefully driving up the hill at an even 25 miles per hour. I glided to a stop for exactly 3 seconds and then proceeded through the stop sign, only to see the most glorious sight. A DEAD MOTHER FUCKING BIRD! Right there in the middle of the road. Just waiting for me. Or lying in wait, which sounds much cooler and also more accurate.
Now anyone who knows me at all, is already aware of my irrational fear/loathing of birds. This includes all manner of nasty winged creature. Chickens mostly, but turkeys, pigeons, parrots, canaries...all of them. Semi-cute from afar but terrifying up close. Seriously, they all deserve to die in a ceiling fan accident, which totally coincidentally happened one time to a nasty bird who tried to peck my eyes out and swooped me like a million times. That my friends, is called Bird Karma. Burn bastard bird! Suck...it...YEAH! Listen, they all want to peck your eyes out. One look into those soulless beady little eyes proves my point. I have been attacked by birds no less than 1000 times. Probably it was like twice but it felt a lot more dramatic than it sounds now that I am writing it. Also? To be fair, a chicken totally brushed against the back of my leg while trying to peck my toe off and eat it, and when I kicked at it and screamed...IT DIDN'T RUN! Now you totally get it right? Fucking pecker! Heh heh heh Not the point of this post but I feel like I need to explain why I was excited about seeing a dead bird. But I digress..clearly.
Any..way, instead of thinking gross or going around it, my very first thought was "ooooohhhh my GOSH, I am totally gonna come back up here on my break and poke that with a big stick". Followed by a loud snort and a "heh heh heh heh poke it with a big stick...that's what she said". I laughed all the way to work...because that my friends, is what you call comedy.
A few months ago I coined a new phrase, a threat actually. In recent months my wickedly awesome family has taken to using the threat of a wiener punch for everything. Or WP for short. I have used it on everyone. It started with my nephew because he really needed one, then became a song and now will live on in infamy forever more. Here are the words so that you too may enjoy the wiener punch song...
Who wants a wiener punch
a wiener punch, a wiener punch?
Who wants a wiener punch?
JONATHAN DOES!!!
I know, a-mazing right? We will also use a bang-cock as needed, mostly because I want to say cock and not have it be weird.
Updated October 2012- I wrote this post originally in January and only now realized I neither finished it nor posted it. But now I forgot the rest of what I was going to say so never mind....now you get to read a half cocked (heh heh heh) unfinished post. Sucker!
There are several phrases that everyone should add to their repertoire...they are as follows:
In response to:
Where is the...? If it was up your butt you'd know.
What time is it? Time to get a mother effing watch or half past a monkeys ass quarter to his balls
Who...? Your mom
Try using them at work, makes for some great conversations. I'm serious, I do it all the time. Speaking of work and being a ten year old boy inside...
Today there was a possibly dead or maybe even just stunned bird out the front doors of our office building. Nicole gets the call and promptly enlists me to check it out with her. Her intent was to try and "save" it cause that's what she does. Why I don't know...birds are gross, see above. My intent, to poke it should it be dead. Well we were in luck, it was tits up, dead as a doornail, ready for the big swirly to the sewer. It totally committed suicide by slamming into the front glass doors. Because birds are nasty, beady eye peckers. although this one was slightly cute, even dead. Instead of respectfully disposing of its tiny body, we took some pictures of it first.
Then we walked it in the paper towel all the other way around to the other side of the opposite building just to place it in the grass to return to the earth. Nicole made me do that. I would have thrown it in the trash. She was sure the Bank of Marin people were watching and judging us, like throwing it away was worse than taking pictures of it complete with photo bomb. At first when I put it in the bushes in went head down ass up which I thought was kind of awesome, but Nicole did not agree. She is so weird sometimes. Then i had to grab it by the tail with the paper towel and lay it serenely in the grass. Rest in Peace nasty little bird.
It started out on a cold dark morning. I was carefully driving up the hill at an even 25 miles per hour. I glided to a stop for exactly 3 seconds and then proceeded through the stop sign, only to see the most glorious sight. A DEAD MOTHER FUCKING BIRD! Right there in the middle of the road. Just waiting for me. Or lying in wait, which sounds much cooler and also more accurate.
Now anyone who knows me at all, is already aware of my irrational fear/loathing of birds. This includes all manner of nasty winged creature. Chickens mostly, but turkeys, pigeons, parrots, canaries...all of them. Semi-cute from afar but terrifying up close. Seriously, they all deserve to die in a ceiling fan accident, which totally coincidentally happened one time to a nasty bird who tried to peck my eyes out and swooped me like a million times. That my friends, is called Bird Karma. Burn bastard bird! Suck...it...YEAH! Listen, they all want to peck your eyes out. One look into those soulless beady little eyes proves my point. I have been attacked by birds no less than 1000 times. Probably it was like twice but it felt a lot more dramatic than it sounds now that I am writing it. Also? To be fair, a chicken totally brushed against the back of my leg while trying to peck my toe off and eat it, and when I kicked at it and screamed...IT DIDN'T RUN! Now you totally get it right? Fucking pecker! Heh heh heh Not the point of this post but I feel like I need to explain why I was excited about seeing a dead bird. But I digress..clearly.
Any..way, instead of thinking gross or going around it, my very first thought was "ooooohhhh my GOSH, I am totally gonna come back up here on my break and poke that with a big stick". Followed by a loud snort and a "heh heh heh heh poke it with a big stick...that's what she said". I laughed all the way to work...because that my friends, is what you call comedy.
A few months ago I coined a new phrase, a threat actually. In recent months my wickedly awesome family has taken to using the threat of a wiener punch for everything. Or WP for short. I have used it on everyone. It started with my nephew because he really needed one, then became a song and now will live on in infamy forever more. Here are the words so that you too may enjoy the wiener punch song...
Who wants a wiener punch
a wiener punch, a wiener punch?
Who wants a wiener punch?
JONATHAN DOES!!!
I know, a-mazing right? We will also use a bang-cock as needed, mostly because I want to say cock and not have it be weird.
Updated October 2012- I wrote this post originally in January and only now realized I neither finished it nor posted it. But now I forgot the rest of what I was going to say so never mind....now you get to read a half cocked (heh heh heh) unfinished post. Sucker!
There are several phrases that everyone should add to their repertoire...they are as follows:
In response to:
Where is the...? If it was up your butt you'd know.
What time is it? Time to get a mother effing watch or half past a monkeys ass quarter to his balls
Who...? Your mom
Try using them at work, makes for some great conversations. I'm serious, I do it all the time. Speaking of work and being a ten year old boy inside...
Today there was a possibly dead or maybe even just stunned bird out the front doors of our office building. Nicole gets the call and promptly enlists me to check it out with her. Her intent was to try and "save" it cause that's what she does. Why I don't know...birds are gross, see above. My intent, to poke it should it be dead. Well we were in luck, it was tits up, dead as a doornail, ready for the big swirly to the sewer. It totally committed suicide by slamming into the front glass doors. Because birds are nasty, beady eye peckers. although this one was slightly cute, even dead. Instead of respectfully disposing of its tiny body, we took some pictures of it first.
Then we walked it in the paper towel all the other way around to the other side of the opposite building just to place it in the grass to return to the earth. Nicole made me do that. I would have thrown it in the trash. She was sure the Bank of Marin people were watching and judging us, like throwing it away was worse than taking pictures of it complete with photo bomb. At first when I put it in the bushes in went head down ass up which I thought was kind of awesome, but Nicole did not agree. She is so weird sometimes. Then i had to grab it by the tail with the paper towel and lay it serenely in the grass. Rest in Peace nasty little bird.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Deuces 2011! Jeni out...and hello 2012, you better be a great year or it's a wiener punch for you! I'm serious, I will wiener punch you so hard you will not remember your year. Consider yourself warned.
Well another year has gone by...as always all too quickly. I have lost things this year...40 pounds, a few friends and probably a bunch of crap I don't even know about. I have also gained a whole lot this year..new friends, self respect, a new (or returning) body, and a new appreciation for the little things. I watched my girls grow and change and my relationship grow a little and change. Overall was 2011 a good year? Yes, I think it was.
The year started off like 2010 ended, with a lot of turmoil in my personal life. Anger, hurt, confusion, frustration and a lot of ugly words marked the beginning of 2011. Thankfully the year ended one hell of a lot better than it started. It's funny how just 12 short months ago I was writing a New Years post much like this as a much more unhappy girl, yet hiding it from most people. I was way too fat for my liking, was not happy at home, and still put on a smile every day like I was fine. Women have this amazing ability to be crying their eyes out every night but pasting a smile on every day for those around her. It's not always healthy but we do what we have to in order to make it through the day. I amaze even myself sometimes when I think back to how I functioned through one of the roughest times in my life. The months went by and things got better. I changed a lot during this time though. I have less patience in some areas, I shut down/off easier, I don't let things affect me as much, and if someone doesn't appreciate how awesome I am I can let them go a lot easier than before. I don't know if that is a good thing or not. We shall see.
Since 2009 I have been pregnant, breastfeeding, then pregnant and breastfeeding again. I gained (lost) and then gained some more baby weight. I had two children and changed my whole life to end up being who I am now...a mother. But his year I am finally not pregnant, not breastfeeding and feeling a lot more like the old Jeni. I missed her, she was really awesome. I'm glad she's back. Except now I am a mother of two, and a lot more confident and happy even in my new mommy body. It took a lot of hard work and that is still continuing. I have lost 40 pounds and still want to lose about 9 more. And I totally will cause I am just that cool. Pregnancy is a beautiful (and gross) thing. But some of the changes having babies brings I could seriously have done without. Since I know boys read this I won't get into the graphic details, but suffice to say, my body isn't exactly like it was before. But that's cool, I will consider them battle scars from creating new fucking life y'all. I made two humans!! I mean come on, that is a GD miracle. Humans!
40 pounds lighter today and I feel amazing! Here I am a year ago (yikes)...
And here I am today (with some of my besties)....
Feeling good, looking good. Recently I decided to change the way I present myself. Dressing nicely and putting on makeup is no longer just for weekends and special occasions. I vow to dress up at least a few times a week for work and put on makeup every day. It is amazing how much of a difference dressing up and putting yourself together can make to how you feel. I walk with my head a little higher, a bigger smile on my face. Unfortunately some people just don't appreciate the new me...but you know what? I don't give a shit. This is who I am now and I don't have to prove myself to anyone. I am AWESOME and I know it..and I'm gonna show it so suck it haters!
My girls have grown by leaps and bounds in the last year. Bailey was just 4 months old..
and is now a walking, talking toddler.
17 months old and a little darling. She is a rolly polly little sweetheart but she is tough. She can hold her own against her 3 year old tyrant of a sister. She can express what she wants and can dance like no body's business. She for sure got my moves, lucky girl.
Kayden is 3 and adorable, yet as bratty as she can be. A sweet little 2 year old a year ago....
She has grown into a self sufficient little smart ass.
She is funny, and smart, and has a come back for everything. She makes me laugh every day, and also makes me want to pull my hair out. I love every second of being with her, even when I want to whack her. We potty trained and argued and hugged and cried and laughed and played. I couldn't be happier.
I am hopeful that 2012 will see life getting better and better. Bailey will be going off to preschool before I know it. TJ will return to work and a whole new chapter will begin. Two full time working parents and two kids in full time childcare. It will be exciting and stressful and different. The commitment that TJ and I made to our children to have a parent home full time until they were ready to be in the more than capable care of Sunshine Nursery School and their fantastic teachers, will come to an end. It will be challenging, but good for all of us. I am anxious to see my girls grow but also sad that the baby years are coming to an end so soon. My little babies are toddlers, preschoolers, little girls instead of babies. Don't get me wrong, I am not having any more kids. I just want to make sure I appreciate every stage in their oh so short childhoods and take joy in every stage.
I have learned a lot this year. About myself, about my friends...about life. I have grown and changed and plan to keep on growing and changing. My true friends will be there through it all...you know who you are. I have a new appreciation for how well loved I really am. I am so very blessed to have so many amazing and long term friends. I have so many people who would, will, and have been there for me throughout my life and will continue to be there. Just as I will and have been there for them. I truly am a very lucky girl and I am aware of this. I will have to let go of people who don't appreciate me, and welcome with open arms any new friends into my life. So let that be a warning to you. I'm kidding of course...but only kind of. I no longer will let myself be devalued in any way. I'm gonna keep on keeping on. I cannot and will not let anyone drag me down. I will keep a positive outlook through it all. Head held high, no one will see me fall. Haters gonna hate, and they are welcome to.
So another year ends and a new one begins. Like the sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. My new years resolution is to continue to grow and change. To make myself into the person I want to be. It's a never ending evolution, as well it should be. To become stagnant is to become pond scum. The waters have to keep flowing in order to remain fresh and healthy and so must we. I am not getting any younger but for sure I am wiser than I was last year or the year before that. For that I am thankful. And for another year I am grateful. New year, better me. This year I will appreciate the little things more. I will pay more attention to my husband. I will play with my kids more. I will stop and smell the roses. I will watch the sunset. I will take even better care of myself. I will be more thoughtful to those around me. I will be less selfish. I will participate more in my church. I will initiate phone calls with friends. I will prioritize better. I will learn more about photography. I will love more. I will hate less. These things I pray will come to be. I will try my best, and probably I will fail but I will not stop trying. Bring it 2012, I am ready for you.
Happy New Year everyone! May God bless you with everything you need and some of what you want.
The year started off like 2010 ended, with a lot of turmoil in my personal life. Anger, hurt, confusion, frustration and a lot of ugly words marked the beginning of 2011. Thankfully the year ended one hell of a lot better than it started. It's funny how just 12 short months ago I was writing a New Years post much like this as a much more unhappy girl, yet hiding it from most people. I was way too fat for my liking, was not happy at home, and still put on a smile every day like I was fine. Women have this amazing ability to be crying their eyes out every night but pasting a smile on every day for those around her. It's not always healthy but we do what we have to in order to make it through the day. I amaze even myself sometimes when I think back to how I functioned through one of the roughest times in my life. The months went by and things got better. I changed a lot during this time though. I have less patience in some areas, I shut down/off easier, I don't let things affect me as much, and if someone doesn't appreciate how awesome I am I can let them go a lot easier than before. I don't know if that is a good thing or not. We shall see.
Since 2009 I have been pregnant, breastfeeding, then pregnant and breastfeeding again. I gained (lost) and then gained some more baby weight. I had two children and changed my whole life to end up being who I am now...a mother. But his year I am finally not pregnant, not breastfeeding and feeling a lot more like the old Jeni. I missed her, she was really awesome. I'm glad she's back. Except now I am a mother of two, and a lot more confident and happy even in my new mommy body. It took a lot of hard work and that is still continuing. I have lost 40 pounds and still want to lose about 9 more. And I totally will cause I am just that cool. Pregnancy is a beautiful (and gross) thing. But some of the changes having babies brings I could seriously have done without. Since I know boys read this I won't get into the graphic details, but suffice to say, my body isn't exactly like it was before. But that's cool, I will consider them battle scars from creating new fucking life y'all. I made two humans!! I mean come on, that is a GD miracle. Humans!
40 pounds lighter today and I feel amazing! Here I am a year ago (yikes)...
My girls have grown by leaps and bounds in the last year. Bailey was just 4 months old..
Kayden is 3 and adorable, yet as bratty as she can be. A sweet little 2 year old a year ago....
She has grown into a self sufficient little smart ass.
She is funny, and smart, and has a come back for everything. She makes me laugh every day, and also makes me want to pull my hair out. I love every second of being with her, even when I want to whack her. We potty trained and argued and hugged and cried and laughed and played. I couldn't be happier.
I am hopeful that 2012 will see life getting better and better. Bailey will be going off to preschool before I know it. TJ will return to work and a whole new chapter will begin. Two full time working parents and two kids in full time childcare. It will be exciting and stressful and different. The commitment that TJ and I made to our children to have a parent home full time until they were ready to be in the more than capable care of Sunshine Nursery School and their fantastic teachers, will come to an end. It will be challenging, but good for all of us. I am anxious to see my girls grow but also sad that the baby years are coming to an end so soon. My little babies are toddlers, preschoolers, little girls instead of babies. Don't get me wrong, I am not having any more kids. I just want to make sure I appreciate every stage in their oh so short childhoods and take joy in every stage.
I have learned a lot this year. About myself, about my friends...about life. I have grown and changed and plan to keep on growing and changing. My true friends will be there through it all...you know who you are. I have a new appreciation for how well loved I really am. I am so very blessed to have so many amazing and long term friends. I have so many people who would, will, and have been there for me throughout my life and will continue to be there. Just as I will and have been there for them. I truly am a very lucky girl and I am aware of this. I will have to let go of people who don't appreciate me, and welcome with open arms any new friends into my life. So let that be a warning to you. I'm kidding of course...but only kind of. I no longer will let myself be devalued in any way. I'm gonna keep on keeping on. I cannot and will not let anyone drag me down. I will keep a positive outlook through it all. Head held high, no one will see me fall. Haters gonna hate, and they are welcome to.
So another year ends and a new one begins. Like the sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. My new years resolution is to continue to grow and change. To make myself into the person I want to be. It's a never ending evolution, as well it should be. To become stagnant is to become pond scum. The waters have to keep flowing in order to remain fresh and healthy and so must we. I am not getting any younger but for sure I am wiser than I was last year or the year before that. For that I am thankful. And for another year I am grateful. New year, better me. This year I will appreciate the little things more. I will pay more attention to my husband. I will play with my kids more. I will stop and smell the roses. I will watch the sunset. I will take even better care of myself. I will be more thoughtful to those around me. I will be less selfish. I will participate more in my church. I will initiate phone calls with friends. I will prioritize better. I will learn more about photography. I will love more. I will hate less. These things I pray will come to be. I will try my best, and probably I will fail but I will not stop trying. Bring it 2012, I am ready for you.
Happy New Year everyone! May God bless you with everything you need and some of what you want.
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