**The topic of this blog may be gross for some so don't read it if you are a tight ass. Guys may be disillusioned by this. Girls do pee and poop and can be just as disgusting as you.**
After a loooong week back from a fabulous vacation at Blue Lake, my best work bud Kathy and I decided to go out to lunch instead of eating what we brought. Now Kathy and I have been friends for going on 13 years and we go to lunch together every day and spend the whole time discussing whatever the latest thing is. Sometimes (ok a lot of times) it's about some of our favorite reality shows and what's going on with those. Other times its about our lives, husbands, kids...you know...everything. There is not much we don't discuss on our lunches.
Today however, was an especially funny one. We somehow (and don't ask how) got on the subject of bathroom use and all the funny things that go along with it. After much discussion and even more laughter I told her I was going to blog about it all tonight. After we left the restaurant, we thought, hmmm I wonder how many people there heard us talking about that while eating...oh well we said, who cares. So here goes, the funny, the gross, and the people who do it.
I work in an office of about 65 people. The majority of these people are women. We have about 9 men total. Now I am a woman so I can only speak about what goes on in the ladies room. I can't (and don't) want to know what unspeakable things happen in the men's room. Especially since I know what happens in the ladies room.
First let me start off by telling you my top 5 bathroom etiquette rules.
1. Wash Your Damn Hands!!!!!! Enough said.
2. If someone is in a stall when you arrive, go to the farthest stall from them, do your business, wash your hands and leave. DO NOT enter the stall directly to the right or left of the current occupant. It's rude. Don't do it. If you do I will look under the stall at your shoes and try and identify you for later mockery. This rule is excepted when there are only 2 stalls, or perhaps 3 but the farthest one has pee in the toilet. Which brings me to...
3. Ladies, this ones for you. If there is pee and or poop even already in the toilet, it is still a usable option. I know most of us will push the door open, see the used toilet and promptly turn away for the next available stall. This is not necessary. Simply use your foot to flush the toilet while still standing in the open bathroom just in case it wasn't flushed because it was going to overflow. I know that's your fear. And it's a valid fear. I have passed up many a toilet due to this. In my older years I try to be the responsible adult I am and just flush it before I go in. The exception to this is the toilet that has been used by The Nasty One. See below for the definition.
4. When someone is in the stall when you arrive, and you have chosen the farthest stall....but the other person is silent and still and doesn't move. Then you end up sitting there because you are waiting for them to leave before you pee and want them to leave first. YOU should pee and leave. They were there first. And I will tell you a little secret...they have to poop and don't want you to hear/smell it!! So stop f*ing sitting there and leave! This is called the Mexican Poop Stand-off. If you are concerned about the pre-pee fart, see below. If you have to also poop you should come back when the bathroom is empty. You could hang out outside and stare at them when they leave with the "I see you and know you just blew up the bathroom" look. However, the polite thing to do is stand a respectable distance away and wait so they don't see you. Then enter and do your business.
5. Please try and eek out any flatulence that may occur during those brief seconds before the pee stream comes on. This is called the pre-pee fart. Don't front like that doesn't happen to you. It happens to all of us. I have heard it a million times. Everyone farts a minimum of 14 times per day and a lot of times a little toot-ski sneaks out when you are relaxing to pee. But ladies, please, if someone is in the bathroom with you, do not just let out the world record fart. try and let it out slowly so there is only a slight noise if any at all. There may be an eeeeeeeee sound, or pfffffffftttttt. This is acceptable. If you can't do this you seriously should do some exercises. You should have control of your asshole. I mean come on.
In my opinion (and let's face it, mine is what matters here since it's my blog), there are also 6 classes of bathroom users.
1. The Rusher: This person rushes into the bathroom stall, drops trow and pees like they have been holding it for days. They then quickly wash their hands and rush back out...all in about 12.3 seconds.
2. The Lingerer: This person goes into the bathroom and sits on the toilet pooping for 15 minutes, then just sits there hanging out to avoid going back to work. These types can be identified by long stretches of complete silence usually punctuated by the clicking of a phone keypad or the turn of a page. I for sure have been guilty of this. However, this could also be the signs of a rule #4 situation. In time you will learn to tell the difference. I myself can be a lingerer at home mostly, however, I tend to wipe and then continue sitting. Otherwise you are sitting their with poo giblets hanging off your cornhole and that's just gross. It's my quiet time and I cherish it. I have a 1 and 2 year old...'nuff said.
3. The Gasser: This person has held their farts at their desk for as long as they possibly could. They enter the bathroom stall and sit down and immediately blast major ass. This person is inconsiderate and should read rule #5. Sometimes they even poop while others are in the bathroom still. It's gross and rude. You should aspire to be a #5.
4. The Nasty One: This person has no consideration for her fellow co-workers. She pees all over the seat, has explosive diarrhea while others are in the room, leaves remnant's of Aunt Flow's visit and then leaves without washing her hands. Stop being a filthy pig and behave like a grown woman. I will be looking at your shoes and identifying you.
5. The Silent One: This person sits quietly in the stall, waiting for the bathroom to be empty. Once sure she is alone, she will release any pent up gas, handle her business, flush with her foot, wash her hands, uses the paper towel to open the door (cause she knows someone hasn't washed their hands and then touched the door) and leave. We should all aspire to be this person. Although this person also may be a tad OCD. But whatever.
6. The Rude One: This person comes into the bathroom like they own the place. They will talk on their cell in the stall while peeing. They will do the Mexican Poop Stand-off with you till you leave, even when you were their silently waiting to poop when they came in. They will not wash their hands. If they don't do the stand-off, they will take forever to pee just knowing you are clenching back your fart/poop until they leave. They will stand at the sink and fluff their hair, make another call, go back into the stall like they forgot something, and generally just be a pain in the ass.
I am sure I have many more rules/types but that's probably the majority and I can't think of any more right this second. Hope you had fun reading it. We all think it, I just wrote it down. Enjoy it for the humorous truth it is. I would love to hear if you have something to add.
