This started as my daily status on Facebook but since some of us (obviously not me) need all the help they can get I decided to update the blog with them and add some to it. You're welcome. This should be like a guidebook for you guys...a totally awesome guidebook written by someone who may or may not have a tad of amazing in them. Also? That person is me. Just wanted to be perfectly clear on that....me.
#1- Ladies, stop trying to take the remote out of your mans hands just because his eyes are closed and he snored through the entire episode of Sons of Anarchy. He's just resting his eyes. Plus you know the second you touch the remote he'll jerk awake and tighten his grip and say "I'm watching that". So what that the show ended 20 minutes ago and now its a rerun of Desperate Housewives. The trick is to slap it away so he doesn't have time to tighten his grip. Then you scramble for it before he is fully functional. Everyone knows that.
#2- men, stop questioning your women about why they need another pair of black shoes. Those shoes are totally different than the ones they already have. And yes we need the same pair in multiple colors. Stop being stupid. Same rule applies to purses. You don't have to understand it, just know its a fact. Why do you need multiple sports jerseys?? Or have to watch different teams play? Exactly.
#3- ladies stop asking your man how this outfit, shoes, hair look. His answer is always going to be "fine". The first outfit was fine, the shoes look fine, your hair looks fine, either way is fine. There are two reasons for this. First, he cannot tell the difference between the two shoes you are wearing. They look exactly the same to them even though one is clearly a peep toe and the other a wedge. Text your girlfriend a picture and have them tell you. You know they will be like "no you look like a sausage in a casing in that dress". Second, guys just want you to shut up and get the F*%^ dressed so you can leave to go to the damn movie!! They will tell you it looks fine even if you are wearing two different shoes and no pants. If they do give you detailed critique I suspect they may be playing for the other team and you should probably rethink the relationship. Or be happy you have a shopping buddy. One of those.
#4- men, sometimes a backrub is just a backrub. Your woman just wants you to give her a backrub without you expecting anything to come of it. Don't poke or prod...it's just annoying. I cannot stress this enough. Just do something selfless for once. It won't kill you. Probably it will be rewarded at some point. Just not right then. Also, a surprise massage without having to be asked, just to be nice, wins mega points. Which you can then use as leverage later. Much much later.
#5- ladies, stop talking to your men while they are watching sports. First, they cannot hear you. Men don't multitask. Period. Second, they don't want to hear you. They can talk to you during commercial or halftime or a stretching break, but not during a 60 yard touchdown or sudden death goal attempt. I'm not entirely sure what those mean but I'm almost positive it's both good and something that happens in some type of sport. Thirdly, it's just plain annoying. There are only three exceptions to this rule and that's if the questions are one of the following; Can I get you a beer? Can I get you a sandwich? Can I service you? Anything else can and should wait. Your best bet is to just leave the house and go hang out with your friends or go shopping. Probably you should ask if it's ok to buy yourself something frivolous. Since they aren't listening anyway chances are they will say yes. Everyone wins.
#6- ladies, if you have to ask your man if he just checked out that girls boobs, ass, etc...he did. Don't be a duh. He still loves you but unless you poked out his eyes when you landed him he didn't go blind. Plus then you wouldn't want him anyway cause his eyes are now weepy, infected, pussholes. And you know you checked her out too. Please. Give it a rest, insecurity is super annoying. Also, don't be all self righteous like you don't check out the half naked Abercrombie guy in the mall, do a double take and then turn to your friend and stay "holy shit did you see the abs on that dude?!". And then try and surreptitiously take a picture of your friend with him in the background. But then he waves you over and you walk swiftly away like a giggling idiot. It happens. All the time. Trust me. You're welcome.
#7- ladies, men are fairly straightforward creatures. Give them sex and food and they are happy. For the most part. I heard it best put like this. Men have two emotions, horny and hungry. If you see a man without an erection, get him a sandwich. For real, ask them. Probably they would like one or the other right now. See? You owe me a dollar...for the bet we just made, except it was in my mind but it still totally counts. Send it to my house, in cash. So help me if you pay me in pennies I will stab you. And stop with the I have a headache bullshit. First, you don't have a headache. Second, what the hell is wrong with you? You know you like it once you are doing it. Stop being such an asshole. Third, it's super lame. Your men need to have sex on the regular, and lets face it, you are a lot less bitchy when you get some. We all are. If you aren't giving it to your man, someone else would be happy to. I'm just saying a couple times a week would be cool. I will allow for some creative excuses though. Like, I can't tonight because my phone attacked my face and now I have to be on the lookout for more sneak attacks. Or, I wish I could but I cut my foot earlier and my shoe is filling up with blood. Or possibly, In that case, how can you be expected to perform? Its basic science.
#8- men, your women fake it. Probably more than you suspect. I don't know why you are so surprised about this. It's not the end of the world. Women have this insane need to make men feel good about their prowess. I don't know why...probably its because we are so awesome. You will never know the difference either...cause we are just that good. Seriously. We are. Don't bother arguing with me. I said don't bother. It's ok though. The blame lies with the women. I swear it does and here's why. Women, knock that crap off!! It's your own fault if you are faking it. Men want you to "arrive", but if you fake it they think what they are doing is working and you set up an unfair precedent. Probably you should just tell them exactly what you want and where. They are not frigging mind readers. I mean come on. See what I did there? Anyway, you have no one to blame but yourself. If you don't know what you need to arrive, I can't help you...and you should probably be the first to be eaten in the zombie apocalypse. You aren't using your brain anyway.
#9- ladies, if your man likes to see you in certain clothes, shoes, hairstyle, or level of makeup...just do it for them. What the shit is the problem? He is who you want to think you look good right? Unless he wants you in creepy costumes (like a zombie, or Sarah Palin, or a cat), or to have a mullet, or to wear really ugly Herman Munster shoes. That just isn't cool. Also, probably you should lay out his clothes in the morning so he doesn't look like an idiot. Or tell him he looks stupid and should change. One of those. But if he likes to see you in heels for instance, shut your facehole and wear them...at least at home, in the bedroom. Heh heh heh.
#10- men, you will never understand women. We are mysterious, amazing entities. Probably we are a little bit crazy sometimes, but that is just part of our charm. Just love us for the awesome people that we are and accept the crazy. Embrace the crazy, love the crazy, live the crazy. Don't be like, "yeah you are", either cause you guys are just as nuts. Probably.
Learn it, live it, know it.
Deuces!
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
The Ghetto Ass circus - a tale of clowns, acrobats and mustard
Editors note: I may or may not have embellished parts of the story for comic effect. Also, some parts I just made up entirely.
My beautiful daughter Kayden celebrated her 3rd birthday this last Friday. She's basically the smartest, most beautiful and amazing child that has ever lived in the history of kids...except my other daughter Bailey of course. So to celebrate my sister had some tickets to the Picadilly Circus and we thought that would be a fun thing for take the kids to. Our first sign of impending ghetto assness should have been that it was held at the Sonoma County Fairgrounds. But the hell with it, we'll be happy to check that shit out!! Let it be said that I partly, and by partly I mean totally, blame Mindy for not warning me. Not cool Mindy, not cool.
It was a dark and rainy Saturday night. We departed from Sonoma around 6:30 with 5 in my car and another 4 in Eryns friends car (whose name I cannot remember because I am an asshole). We arrived at the fairgrounds around 7:10 and waited in line to park. Let the ridiculous fees commence. $6 for parking but whatever. As we all get out and start walking we realize there are no signs for this alleged circus. Suddenly, as we round the main building there is a line. But something seems off about this line.
Eryn- is there a reason that every girl in line is wearing hooker shoes and crotch revealing dresses?
Me- maybe they are performers. Also, you shouldn't judge the whores.
Random dude with a dollar store flashlight/airplane wand- the circus is down to the left.
Me- why did he assume we were circus going folk? Are we dressed like carnies? Or toothless hillbillies?
Eryn- Ummmm maybe cause everyone in that line is Hispanic? And dressed like hoochies?
Me- oh, so they are....so they are.
As we walk up to the building on the left I realized it was the hall of flowers building. Now that's high class right there, I can't believe they defiled the building like that. Right before we get there is a ragtag group of protestors. By ragtag I mean like 3 people with flyers and what appears to be a homemade sandwich board sign saying "don't support the circus". Well thanks a lot lady, a little late for that warning don't you think? I'm like 2 steps from the door and have 6 kids with me. I take her stupid flyer that tells about how abused the animals are.
As if I didn't know that the elephants don't want to perform stupid tricks for our enjoyment. The girl thanked me, which was nice considering I continued right past her up to the building. Also, she made me feel like a bigger asshole cause she was nice. I hate her. So we walked right up to the ticket booth (I use that term lightly) and the guy, who doesn't even look at me, is all "$30" and I'm all WTF are you serious? Perhaps he didn't hear me or was just ignoring me because he didn't respond. Then I see the sign that says today's show will not include the tiger, monkey or kangaroo.
Me: what the shit? No tiger, monkey or kangaroo? What kind of ghetto circus are you running here?
Booth guy: silence
Me: I feel like since I am being shorted 3 animals I should get a 30% discount. How about I give you $21 and we call it even.
Booth guy: silence
Me: fucking carnies, here's your damn money you thieving shady bastard.
Actually only part of that is true but looking back that is what should have happened. Also, they only took cash (hella shady right) and I only had $28 on me so Eryn had to spot me the other $2. I am not repaying her. So we get our tickets and go inside. There was no line anywhere because there were exactly 26 people inside. Possibly more but it's not important. We find some seats and another carny yells out "VIP ringside seats are still available, upgrade now". Really, they are still available? What was your first clue? The fact that there are folding chairs in two rows around the ring, and there are exactly 5 people sitting in them? We sit in an empty row close to the exit...just in case the abused circus animals decide to go on a rampage and trample everyone in the stands. It happens, and its a perfectly valid fear. Also, we checked out our, roll down under the stands pulling the kids with us options. Cause we are amazing parents. Then next to me this jerk lady totally puts her leg up on the bench as it that would discourage us from sitting in front of her. I took it as a personal challenge and scooted right next to her foot to make it as awkward for her as possible. Then I kinda mooshed her foot over with my butt. She persisted. So I turned and said oh so politely, "do you think you can move your effing foot so we can all sit here?" She was not amused, who knows why, I'm not a psychic. So I sat on her foot. Cause that's what happens when you are bench hogging bitch. She huffed and moved after that. There was really no need to be all huffy about though. She must have been having a bad day.
Across the room we spy pony rides. Eryn asked Kayden if she wanted to ride and of course she did. She had a blast. I suspect the pony hated us and wanted to trample us with his tiny hooves. He had an evil pony kind of vibe to him. You know how some ponies have that look.
The kids were hungry so we went to the 4 miniature booths where the options were soggy hotdogs, nachos, popcorn, cotton candy or a snow cone. I decided on the hot dogs and a nacho. I asked the dude how much and he says $4 and I'm all seriously, and he just stared at me. So I ask for 2 dogs and a nacho and hand him a $20. He hands me the two hot dogs and nacho and I am trying to balance them and he goes to the next person. Then I realize he didn't give me my change so I turn back around and only THEN does he pull out and give me back $7. I'm positive he ripped me off but carnies have that crazy look and I didn't want him to get me with his carny powers so I just left. Then it was time for the fun to begin. Now I didn't take pictures sadly so I will do my best to describe it. First came the motorcycle guys. They did the round cage trick thingy and it was actually very cool. Next came the clown. I also use this term loosely because really it was the scariest, fat non clown in the world. He barely had a clown face. He looked more like a hobo. A fat well fed hobo. Here is a picture.
I'm totally kidding but Shawn posted that and it scared the living shit out of me so You're Welcome. He drove out an old timey car and did this whole act like a mime. OK it wasn't like a mime but apparently microphones are too expensive so he just yelled...but not terribly loudly. There was fire and water squirting and probably a midget...excuse me...little person, under the hood throwing out M80's every so often. The car also drove itself which both worried and fascinated me. I couldn't help but picture the act going horribly wrong and running over the VIP people. That's what happens when you think you are so cool and sit in VIP at a ghetto ass circus. You get run over by a self driving car with midgets under the hood. Although I was incredibly disappointed that there was no 45 midget clowns come out of the clown car part of the act. Since there appeared to be only 10 people in the whole show just doing a costume change, and it was ghetto ass, I should not have been surprised. During his act, they were disassembling the motorcycle cage thing. Band Bang Bang.
me: you've got to be kidding me!
foot lady: rolls eyes
me: SERIOUSLY!!! Can you not wait until after? I mean it's not like you have to clean up after the non-existent tigers, monkeys or boxing kangaroos.
foot lady: turns away in a huff
Then one of the carnies comes by while the guy in front of us is snapping pictures and says "no flash photography" and I think, why cause it will startle the human performers and they will go crazy and trample the crowd? Then came some more "clowns" doing a whole still silent act about this case that supposedly had a tiger in it. However since I knew there would be no tiger from the aforementioned sign, I was not fooled by their overdone pyrotechnics and bad sound. Since there were only shows on Friday and Saturday, I strongly suspected that either the tiger ate the monkey and the boxing kangaroo tried to punch him in the face to stop him, or there were never animals at all. It was all a clever ruse to lure you in. So anyway, after 5 long minutes of looking in the cage, then running away as the piped in roar sounded, the "tiger" came out...which turns out was actually a chihuahua in a costume. Poor thing looked traumatized. Especially since I'm pretty sure they set off a M80 in the cage and he was now blind and deaf.
Then came the balancing dude. The only funny thing about his act was that he fell off the pedestal. People falling is always funny. I laughed really loudly and the same foot sitting lady was not pleased. He wasn't hurt, he just sucked. I started to realize this was a human circus, which totally blew. I'm sure there were a couple other "acts" but then something amazing happened. The lights dimmed, the music changed, and out from behind the red velvet curtain came......Trans-mother fucking-formers!!! Side note: You could fully see behind the curtain. It was free standing in the middle of the room but was only like 20 feet wide in a 100 foot room.
me (screaming): Oh shit, Autobots and Decepticons! It just got real up in this circus!!
foot lady: hmpff
me (gesturing excitedly): That's Optimus Prime bitch, Optimus Prime!
foot lady: silence
Jonathan: hahahahahahahahahaha
There was some half hearted clapping and then the lights came on and the announcer says that for a fee you can get your picture taken with the Transformers or a giant Britney Spears snake. During intermission we let Kayden jump in the bouncy house (which I now think probably was not wise considering I doubted they ever cleaned it) and then she got to ride the elephant.
The ride was in a circle behind the oh so mysterious curtain and lasted all of about :42 seconds and cost Eryn $10. Kayden loved it. As we returned to our seats the Transformers came walking by and I realized it was just the clowns in costume. I was incredibly disillusioned. The show resumed with a roller skating act. That's right, that just happened. They were on a 5 diameter circle and was a male/female team. Mostly they spun in a circle and sometimes he lifted her. The coolest part was when they put on this pair of giant soft handcuffs, but around their necks and dude swung her around in a circle by her neck. Then she started spinning around while they were spinning around. It was madness. What would have made it even more awesome is if the hook broke and she went flying but then did a flip and landed on her skates and rolled away. That would have been epic. After that was a really long and fairly boring music routine where three "clowns" played various instruments. Possibly there was also another act or two but around that time Eryn pointed out the girl in front of her. On the back of her sweatshirt was a big blog of mustard. I immediately whipped out my phone and took a picture to post on Facebook. If I was a nicer person I would have let her know and offered her a napkin, but earlier she almost sat on my kids hot dog so I wasn't feeling particularly helpful. I suspect the foot lady did it but I was much too polite to point it out.
Then there was a guy who spun some weird metal shapes really fast. He was lame. Then came the contortionist. I will admit, that chick could bend. She also shot a bow and arrow at a balloon, with her feet, whilst doing a handstand! I thought I was cool cause I could pick up a pencil with my toes. The last act was the elephants. They walked in a circle and on their hind legs, and did some handstands...all of which was pretty cool I suppose. Then at last the show was over.
Even though it was a ghetto ass circus, the kids really enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed the story...try and guess which parts are true. I think you will be surprised.
My beautiful daughter Kayden celebrated her 3rd birthday this last Friday. She's basically the smartest, most beautiful and amazing child that has ever lived in the history of kids...except my other daughter Bailey of course. So to celebrate my sister had some tickets to the Picadilly Circus and we thought that would be a fun thing for take the kids to. Our first sign of impending ghetto assness should have been that it was held at the Sonoma County Fairgrounds. But the hell with it, we'll be happy to check that shit out!! Let it be said that I partly, and by partly I mean totally, blame Mindy for not warning me. Not cool Mindy, not cool.
It was a dark and rainy Saturday night. We departed from Sonoma around 6:30 with 5 in my car and another 4 in Eryns friends car (whose name I cannot remember because I am an asshole). We arrived at the fairgrounds around 7:10 and waited in line to park. Let the ridiculous fees commence. $6 for parking but whatever. As we all get out and start walking we realize there are no signs for this alleged circus. Suddenly, as we round the main building there is a line. But something seems off about this line.
Eryn- is there a reason that every girl in line is wearing hooker shoes and crotch revealing dresses?
Me- maybe they are performers. Also, you shouldn't judge the whores.
Random dude with a dollar store flashlight/airplane wand- the circus is down to the left.
Me- why did he assume we were circus going folk? Are we dressed like carnies? Or toothless hillbillies?
Eryn- Ummmm maybe cause everyone in that line is Hispanic? And dressed like hoochies?
Me- oh, so they are....so they are.
As we walk up to the building on the left I realized it was the hall of flowers building. Now that's high class right there, I can't believe they defiled the building like that. Right before we get there is a ragtag group of protestors. By ragtag I mean like 3 people with flyers and what appears to be a homemade sandwich board sign saying "don't support the circus". Well thanks a lot lady, a little late for that warning don't you think? I'm like 2 steps from the door and have 6 kids with me. I take her stupid flyer that tells about how abused the animals are.
As if I didn't know that the elephants don't want to perform stupid tricks for our enjoyment. The girl thanked me, which was nice considering I continued right past her up to the building. Also, she made me feel like a bigger asshole cause she was nice. I hate her. So we walked right up to the ticket booth (I use that term lightly) and the guy, who doesn't even look at me, is all "$30" and I'm all WTF are you serious? Perhaps he didn't hear me or was just ignoring me because he didn't respond. Then I see the sign that says today's show will not include the tiger, monkey or kangaroo.
Me: what the shit? No tiger, monkey or kangaroo? What kind of ghetto circus are you running here?
Booth guy: silence
Me: I feel like since I am being shorted 3 animals I should get a 30% discount. How about I give you $21 and we call it even.
Booth guy: silence
Me: fucking carnies, here's your damn money you thieving shady bastard.
Actually only part of that is true but looking back that is what should have happened. Also, they only took cash (hella shady right) and I only had $28 on me so Eryn had to spot me the other $2. I am not repaying her. So we get our tickets and go inside. There was no line anywhere because there were exactly 26 people inside. Possibly more but it's not important. We find some seats and another carny yells out "VIP ringside seats are still available, upgrade now". Really, they are still available? What was your first clue? The fact that there are folding chairs in two rows around the ring, and there are exactly 5 people sitting in them? We sit in an empty row close to the exit...just in case the abused circus animals decide to go on a rampage and trample everyone in the stands. It happens, and its a perfectly valid fear. Also, we checked out our, roll down under the stands pulling the kids with us options. Cause we are amazing parents. Then next to me this jerk lady totally puts her leg up on the bench as it that would discourage us from sitting in front of her. I took it as a personal challenge and scooted right next to her foot to make it as awkward for her as possible. Then I kinda mooshed her foot over with my butt. She persisted. So I turned and said oh so politely, "do you think you can move your effing foot so we can all sit here?" She was not amused, who knows why, I'm not a psychic. So I sat on her foot. Cause that's what happens when you are bench hogging bitch. She huffed and moved after that. There was really no need to be all huffy about though. She must have been having a bad day.
Across the room we spy pony rides. Eryn asked Kayden if she wanted to ride and of course she did. She had a blast. I suspect the pony hated us and wanted to trample us with his tiny hooves. He had an evil pony kind of vibe to him. You know how some ponies have that look.
 |
| I hate humans, I want to trample them with my tiny pony hooves |
The kids were hungry so we went to the 4 miniature booths where the options were soggy hotdogs, nachos, popcorn, cotton candy or a snow cone. I decided on the hot dogs and a nacho. I asked the dude how much and he says $4 and I'm all seriously, and he just stared at me. So I ask for 2 dogs and a nacho and hand him a $20. He hands me the two hot dogs and nacho and I am trying to balance them and he goes to the next person. Then I realize he didn't give me my change so I turn back around and only THEN does he pull out and give me back $7. I'm positive he ripped me off but carnies have that crazy look and I didn't want him to get me with his carny powers so I just left. Then it was time for the fun to begin. Now I didn't take pictures sadly so I will do my best to describe it. First came the motorcycle guys. They did the round cage trick thingy and it was actually very cool. Next came the clown. I also use this term loosely because really it was the scariest, fat non clown in the world. He barely had a clown face. He looked more like a hobo. A fat well fed hobo. Here is a picture.
 |
| I like to eat children! |
me: you've got to be kidding me!
foot lady: rolls eyes
me: SERIOUSLY!!! Can you not wait until after? I mean it's not like you have to clean up after the non-existent tigers, monkeys or boxing kangaroos.
foot lady: turns away in a huff
Then one of the carnies comes by while the guy in front of us is snapping pictures and says "no flash photography" and I think, why cause it will startle the human performers and they will go crazy and trample the crowd? Then came some more "clowns" doing a whole still silent act about this case that supposedly had a tiger in it. However since I knew there would be no tiger from the aforementioned sign, I was not fooled by their overdone pyrotechnics and bad sound. Since there were only shows on Friday and Saturday, I strongly suspected that either the tiger ate the monkey and the boxing kangaroo tried to punch him in the face to stop him, or there were never animals at all. It was all a clever ruse to lure you in. So anyway, after 5 long minutes of looking in the cage, then running away as the piped in roar sounded, the "tiger" came out...which turns out was actually a chihuahua in a costume. Poor thing looked traumatized. Especially since I'm pretty sure they set off a M80 in the cage and he was now blind and deaf.
Then came the balancing dude. The only funny thing about his act was that he fell off the pedestal. People falling is always funny. I laughed really loudly and the same foot sitting lady was not pleased. He wasn't hurt, he just sucked. I started to realize this was a human circus, which totally blew. I'm sure there were a couple other "acts" but then something amazing happened. The lights dimmed, the music changed, and out from behind the red velvet curtain came......Trans-mother fucking-formers!!! Side note: You could fully see behind the curtain. It was free standing in the middle of the room but was only like 20 feet wide in a 100 foot room.
me (screaming): Oh shit, Autobots and Decepticons! It just got real up in this circus!!
foot lady: hmpff
me (gesturing excitedly): That's Optimus Prime bitch, Optimus Prime!
foot lady: silence
Jonathan: hahahahahahahahahaha
There was some half hearted clapping and then the lights came on and the announcer says that for a fee you can get your picture taken with the Transformers or a giant Britney Spears snake. During intermission we let Kayden jump in the bouncy house (which I now think probably was not wise considering I doubted they ever cleaned it) and then she got to ride the elephant.
 |
| Yeah we love the abused elephant! |
The ride was in a circle behind the oh so mysterious curtain and lasted all of about :42 seconds and cost Eryn $10. Kayden loved it. As we returned to our seats the Transformers came walking by and I realized it was just the clowns in costume. I was incredibly disillusioned. The show resumed with a roller skating act. That's right, that just happened. They were on a 5 diameter circle and was a male/female team. Mostly they spun in a circle and sometimes he lifted her. The coolest part was when they put on this pair of giant soft handcuffs, but around their necks and dude swung her around in a circle by her neck. Then she started spinning around while they were spinning around. It was madness. What would have made it even more awesome is if the hook broke and she went flying but then did a flip and landed on her skates and rolled away. That would have been epic. After that was a really long and fairly boring music routine where three "clowns" played various instruments. Possibly there was also another act or two but around that time Eryn pointed out the girl in front of her. On the back of her sweatshirt was a big blog of mustard. I immediately whipped out my phone and took a picture to post on Facebook. If I was a nicer person I would have let her know and offered her a napkin, but earlier she almost sat on my kids hot dog so I wasn't feeling particularly helpful. I suspect the foot lady did it but I was much too polite to point it out.
 |
| oopsie, someone spilled mustard on that lady! Awkward! |
Then there was a guy who spun some weird metal shapes really fast. He was lame. Then came the contortionist. I will admit, that chick could bend. She also shot a bow and arrow at a balloon, with her feet, whilst doing a handstand! I thought I was cool cause I could pick up a pencil with my toes. The last act was the elephants. They walked in a circle and on their hind legs, and did some handstands...all of which was pretty cool I suppose. Then at last the show was over.
 |
| Yes that's the VIP seating and the famous curtain |
Even though it was a ghetto ass circus, the kids really enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed the story...try and guess which parts are true. I think you will be surprised.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
My Stewardship talk...and why it's awesome. Toot Toot!
About a month ago I was asked to give a talk at church on Stewardship. Don't worry if you don't know what that means. You will soon see that I too didn't really know so I had to look it up...it's called Google people. Check it out. Then I gave that speech during both services the first Sunday in October. i got applause, I'm just sayin'. I also used props. When I do something I give 100%. Not 150% because that is just ridiculous...you can only give 100%. Why do people even say that? Cause they are trying to toot their own horn and be braggy bragersons. You will see why this is relevant in a minute so just hold your damn horses.
Anyhoo, a week or two ago at church Ted (our pastor) gave everyone a rock and a Sharpie and on it we were supposed to write the name or names of the people who most influence our spiritual path. Someone who inspires you and motivates you to try and be a better person. I wrote my mom, Ted and Kandi on mine. Then we all took it to the front of the church and loudly dropped it into the basket and said the names out loud. It was pretty cool. However, what happened next was even cooler. As I was leaving the sanctuary a new couple stopped me. The man (whose name I really should know but don't so shut up about it) told me that mine was the name he wrote on his rock. Isn't that amazing? I mean, besides the fact that he obviously knows my name and I don't know his and that makes me a pretty big asshole. Before you get all villagers with torches on me, in all fairness my name was in the bulletin. He said that my talk was awesome and I should be given an award. OK he didn't actually say any of that. What he did say was that my talk had totally inspired him and that I was the one who he looked up to! I swear. How bitchen is that? Another church member said I made him cry. Pretty cool right? So I thought I would share with you my talk. I thought it was just ok but here you go anyway.
Anyhoo, a week or two ago at church Ted (our pastor) gave everyone a rock and a Sharpie and on it we were supposed to write the name or names of the people who most influence our spiritual path. Someone who inspires you and motivates you to try and be a better person. I wrote my mom, Ted and Kandi on mine. Then we all took it to the front of the church and loudly dropped it into the basket and said the names out loud. It was pretty cool. However, what happened next was even cooler. As I was leaving the sanctuary a new couple stopped me. The man (whose name I really should know but don't so shut up about it) told me that mine was the name he wrote on his rock. Isn't that amazing? I mean, besides the fact that he obviously knows my name and I don't know his and that makes me a pretty big asshole. Before you get all villagers with torches on me, in all fairness my name was in the bulletin. He said that my talk was awesome and I should be given an award. OK he didn't actually say any of that. What he did say was that my talk had totally inspired him and that I was the one who he looked up to! I swear. How bitchen is that? Another church member said I made him cry. Pretty cool right? So I thought I would share with you my talk. I thought it was just ok but here you go anyway.
Stewardship
Loretta asked me to give this stewardship talk a couple weeks ago. I accepted, obviously, but didn’t really think about what exactly it meant I had to talk about. I probably asked her 3 times what it should be about. Was there a outline…or a suggested topics sheet? It’s simple, she said…just talk about your experience with this church, and why you love it and want to support it. Should be easy right? Except I found myself wondering, “what is stewardship?” So I Googled it.
Now for everyone here today who also didn’t really grasp what stewardship means but are too embarrassed to ask here is the description I liked best.
There are various intentions of the word stewardship. However, I describe it as a responsibility for any blessings you may have. Your blessings could include your talents, time, or financial freedom. If you are responsible with these blessings, it means that you care for and share them with others.
Although stewardship is generally a religious term, I believe all people can live a life of stewardship. After all, we live only briefly in this world, and our possessions won’t come with us when we leave. It is up to us to care for what we have, when we have it.
When I think of stewardship, there are three main categories that help me to understand how I can act as a good steward:
1. Treasure – We must share our financial success with those who have less than we do.
2. Talent – A good steward shares his or her talents in order to benefit others.
3. Time – Our time is one of our most valuable possessions. A good steward dedicates some of his or her spare time in order to do good.
By giving of our treasure, talent, and time, we are good stewards of what we are so fortunate to have received. Whether you believe you received them from a higher power or more basic human circumstance, you are a unique individual with your own special set of skills and talents that can be used to help others.
See, I have been a part of this particular church for my entire life. Well, at least 33 of my 35 years, give or take a few months. I don’t really have anything to compare it to. I am a Methodist…always have been and always will be. So why do I love this church and want to support it? Interesting question. Why wouldn’t I love this church…is probably a more appropriate thing to ask? Coming here every Sunday is like going home. I am comfortable here. I feel love here. I feel connected with God here. I have a family here. Many of you have known me most of my life. Some have only had that pleasure since I returned here after what I call “the dark years”. You know, the late teenage years when most churches lose their young adults for a while.
But this church was much too awesome to say goodbye to forever. During Ted’s first stint here, I came back. My mom had been on me for a while to at least come and check out the new first service. It took one day and I was back as if I never left. I was welcomed back into the fold as if no break had occurred. That’s what church families do. The one down side to being in the same church your whole life is that everybody knows everything about you, knows what a brat I was from oh about age 16 to 20. But they still love me.
Let me tell you a little bit about my history in this church. I was about 1 ½, maybe 2 when I started coming here. My mom had taken the position of Director at Sunshine and with it came the requirement that you attend the church. Little did we know at the time, that requirement would become a one of the best things to happen to us. My every day and many nights were spent on these grounds, either in this church or at Sunshine. This church has given me countless gifts. I attended Sunday School with Alice Friesen. I grew up with the same group of kids even though we all attended different schools. When I was 8, we celebrated my dad’s life in this sanctuary. Later my friends and I tortured Kandi Weider in youth group. I was the child care worker for years as a teenager. My sister and I were baptized in this church. I received my confirmation from Claude Friesen on September 9, 1990 just after my 14th birthday. I have the certificate to prove it right here (prop 1, the certificate). A year or so later I received my first bible in this church (prop 2, my first bible). I have celebrated first my sisters, and then my own marriage in this church. I have now had two of my own children to add to our church family, Kayden age 2 1/2, and Bailey age 1…or as you may remember them both…baby Jesus in the Christmas pageant for the last few years. I have seen countless baptisms, confirmations, welcoming of new members, and seen people come and go. I attended the funeral of my longest and first pastor, Claude in this church.
In all our lives there are always events stand out. Obviously my dad dying when I was 8 was one of those events. But one of the things I remember most about that time was being in this church, sitting here in the front pew with my family while Claude held the memorial service. After the service was over we sat in that pew, while person after person after person came by us in an endless stream to offer their condolences. I remember being hugged a hundred times. I remember how many people were here. I remember our church family being there for us then just like they are now. The night my father died, I was in this church.
Now as an adult, I have the opportunity to give the same gifts I have been receiving all these years to the next generation. I have taught Sunday School for the last 4 or 5 years, and before that, volunteered doing child care. I have served on committees, volunteered at events and work days, play in the bell choir, and served as a lay speaker during church. For me, giving to this church and to my church family is not just about giving money (although we need that so feel free to tithe as much as you can, as often as you can).
There are so many ways we can all help to grow this church, so that my children and all the other children can have the same experience I had with this church. That’s why I come here. I want my kids to love this place as much as I do. Already my 2 year old wakes up in the morning and if I am not at work, her first question is…Is today a church day? One of the things I love most about this church is our first service. It’s loud, and relaxed, there is kid noise, and laughter and singing. I don’t have to feel bad if my kids are noisy. It’s because they are so comfortable here and it’s such a big part of their lives. Even the baby already knows what children’s time is and starts heading up to the front of the church as soon as I let her go. They feel that same love that I have always felt here. The same sense of community, of connection with each other, of comfort. Every Sunday I can expect to leave here feeling like I have a goal for the week, something to think about, and ponder. Sometimes I am laughing, other times crying. But always better than I did before I came.
Have you ever been asked “why do you need to go to church?” Why would I want to give up my Sunday when it could be my only day to “sleep in”? Why do you have to go to church to talk to GOD? Why do you give money to the church? And on and on and on. What do you say? My response is always, “I go to church not because I can only commune with God there, but for the fellowship. To be in one place with people who believe the same thing I do. To deliberately take the time out of my hectic life, to be with God. And I support my church because they support me. I get a lot more out of the relationship than they do so I’m getting the better end of the deal.”
There are times when we maybe can’t financially afford to tithe as much as we want to. Some years I can set a giving amount, and some years I give what I can, as often as I can. A suggestion I heard during one of the stewardship drives that always stuck with me was this. An easy way to make this church family a priority in your life, is to add the church to your bill paying process. We all pay bills unfortunately, and I find it easiest to add the tithe to my list of bills, so that I make sure the church gets my money just as regularly as PG&E or Comcast does. Plus, I know they will do more with it.
I will leave you with this quote I found on Stewardship. “Don’t tithe because you feel you have to. Tithe joyfully in faith knowing God is going to do great things with that money. Do it as an expression of your love for Him.
Are YOU still asking, “what is stewardship?”
I know right? Amazing.
Toot Toot! Toot, mother effing Toot!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
27th Anniversary
This post may be a little more depressing than my other ones so if you are looking for a laugh that may not be possible.
November 2nd, 2011 marks the 27th anniversary of my dad's untimely demise. He was just 37 years old and left behind a wife and two young girls as well as various family members. To date, his father, sister and just recently mother have followed him into heaven. My dad was an amazing father and member of the community. I remember depressingly little about him. Here is the story of his death.
I was just 8 and my sister 5 when he passed. He died of a heart attack at home on our front porch. We were not home. We were in fact at church preparing for the Alternative Gift Fair and Turkey luncheon which was the next day. I just came from this same event not one hour ago which is probably why I am choosing this as my topic today.
A little bit about the man, the myth, the legend. He was lovingly given the nickname "Pudge" by his friends. That was the name that everyone called him up until his death. I don't know why. He played basketball and baseball in men's league and co-ed leagues in Sonoma. He was the director of the sports programs at VOM Boys and Girls club. I spent hours and hours at that club, playing sports myself and just hanging out with him. When he died there were about a zillion articles in the paper. We cut every one out and there are in the death album we have that we used to look at every year. We as a family spents countless hours at the ball field out at SDC watching either mom or dad or both play. I have amazing memories of that time and cherish every one of them. He loved sports and I used to sit on his lap and watch "the game" with him often.
me and dad watching the game togethermom and dad at their wedding
The night he died he and I were at VOMBGC. I remember throwing the mother of all fits because I wanted to go with him to his basketball game, and not go to church. I remember throwing the fit, but do not remember why I was so upset. Premonition maybe? Who knows, all I know is that God was looking out for me that night. If I had been alone with him when he died I don't know how I would have handled that. That night he was playing basketball with his best friend, Uncle Tim. They were playing in the men's league game and he started to not feel well. He decided to leave the game and go home. He made it as far as the front porch, had the heart attack and died instantly, key still dangling from the door. He fell into the cactus that always sat there. It was a soft cactus that we could touch. My uncle called several times to check on him and when he didn't answer, came over. He was the one who found him. He called the ambulance, and tried to resuscitate him, but it was too late. Uncle Tim never recovered from that night. He eventually died of a heart attack himself at too young an age.
The next thing I remember is waking up in my room at the house on Sunnyside. Come to find out, that was two days later. When I woke up I remember thinking "where is mom to wake us up for school?" I left my lower bunk bed and made my way to the staircase. For those of your that have ever been to the Sunnyside house, you remember those stairs. They were a deathtrap. Little better than a ladder, they went straight up. I probably fell down those stairs a hundred times and had a few concussions for my trouble. As I came to the bottom of my stairs my mom appeared. She had me go back to bed, saying she had to talk to us. I could tell she had been crying and I started to worry. I returned to my bed and she woke up my sister. She began to tell us that daddy had died and was now in heaven. I understood immediately but was in shock. My sister on the other hand didn't understand. She asked when he would be coming back. I lashed out at her, screaming 'he's never coming back! He's dead!". After some cuddling and crying, we then went upstairs and we found all my relatives from New York and from Southern California. Grandma's and grandpa's and aunts and uncles. We all sat on the couches and cried. We sat there for hours it seemed like. I got to drink hot chocolate on the couch that day.
The next few days (or weeks maybe) were a blur. There was the wake at Bates, Evans and Fehrenson's. I stared at the corpse for a long time. His face was so waxy looking and surreal. He was posed with his NY hat on and a joint behind his ear. There was a lot of hugs, and kisses. There seemed to be hundreds of people in that room. I don't remember if anyone spoke or if there was a service but there must have been. I was numb. My mom asked if we wanted to kiss him one last time. I refused but my sister did. I am not sure if I regret that or not. Next came the service at church...and another packed house. That service I do remember. I also remember sitting in the front pew and the stream of people walking by to hug us and offer their condolences. There was also a raging party to celebrate his life but I don't remember that at all. Days and weeks passed and life moved on. It got a little easier every day. I had two recurring dreams for about a year after that. One was in black and white and was in the church parking lot. There was a large T shaped antenna and a girl and I were on it walking around and she fell off. She started to ooze bright green blood and I would wake up. In the other dream I was in a large room with a little train town style track running from a door at the far end around the room past me and out a door at the other end. Suddenly the door would open a train would enter. Sitting at about halfway on the train would be my dad. In the dream they had made a mistake and he was really alive. I would always wake up in excitement and then immediately remember. Eventually there came the day when I could not picture his face in my mind. I know what he looks like from pictures but I had lost that memory. I cried a lot that day.
What I most took away from that whole time was how strong my mom was. She was simply a rock. I don't remember her crying or carrying on at all. Turns out she could keep it together during the day, but once my sister and I were in bed she would break down....every night, for years. How she did it I don't know. It's one of the things I admire most about her. She is an amazing, strong, funny woman and I can only hope that I am half the woman and mother she is. Life was not easy after he died but looking back I would not have had it any other way. Mom had to work long hours at Sunshine to support us. Luckily, we spent many of those hours with her. We also had an immense support system and never lacked for anything.
If anything positive came out of the loss of my father, it's my relationship with my mom. Before his death we were definitely daddy's little angels. Mom was the heavy and he was the fun one. He would hide us from her when she wanted to brush our hair. He would give us whatever we wanted. He was the easy going one. My mom had to do all the "heavy lifting" so to speak. That must have been annoying for her. After he died, she got to do both. She was still the disciplinarian but also got to be the fun one. I think that if everything happens for a reason, that reason is so that I could have the relationship I have with my mom. She is my best friend and mentor and my everything.
I don't know what life would have been like with him. I don't know how strict he would have been when we became teenagers. I don't know how differently my life would have turned out had he been here. I don't know what it's like to have a father as a teenager, a young adult, or an adult. What I do know is there is no reason to think about what if. This is the way my life was supposed to be and I will live every day knowing that he is watching over me and now my children. I do not feel sorry for myself. I feel joyful knowing I had the opportunity to become that much closer to my mother and my sister. We had our little family that was pushed closer together by tragedy. From that tragedy came a wonderfully full, enriching childhood and life. I love you daddy and miss you every day. You picked an amazing woman to be our mother and I can never thank you enough.
I have cried the entire time I have been writing this so I need a break and a little fun. I think I will write another entry...this time a fun one to get my spirits up! In the meantime, I will leave you with a funny story.
Erin and I were at lunch one day a few years ago and were talking about our parents and what they did for a living. I asked her what my dad did and she said...duh he was a carpenter! I peed my pants laughing. Why, I asked, do you think that? He worked at the Boys and Girls club and had an art degree! Oh, she said, well he looked like Jesus and he was a carpenter so... After we finished laughing we then bet that Adrienne didn't know either...she lost that bet. Adrienne knew exactly what he did. Oh Erin.Friday, August 12, 2011
Bathroom Etiquette According to Jeni
**The topic of this blog may be gross for some so don't read it if you are a tight ass. Guys may be disillusioned by this. Girls do pee and poop and can be just as disgusting as you.**
After a loooong week back from a fabulous vacation at Blue Lake, my best work bud Kathy and I decided to go out to lunch instead of eating what we brought. Now Kathy and I have been friends for going on 13 years and we go to lunch together every day and spend the whole time discussing whatever the latest thing is. Sometimes (ok a lot of times) it's about some of our favorite reality shows and what's going on with those. Other times its about our lives, husbands, kids...you know...everything. There is not much we don't discuss on our lunches.
Today however, was an especially funny one. We somehow (and don't ask how) got on the subject of bathroom use and all the funny things that go along with it. After much discussion and even more laughter I told her I was going to blog about it all tonight. After we left the restaurant, we thought, hmmm I wonder how many people there heard us talking about that while eating...oh well we said, who cares. So here goes, the funny, the gross, and the people who do it.
I work in an office of about 65 people. The majority of these people are women. We have about 9 men total. Now I am a woman so I can only speak about what goes on in the ladies room. I can't (and don't) want to know what unspeakable things happen in the men's room. Especially since I know what happens in the ladies room.
First let me start off by telling you my top 5 bathroom etiquette rules.
1. Wash Your Damn Hands!!!!!! Enough said.
2. If someone is in a stall when you arrive, go to the farthest stall from them, do your business, wash your hands and leave. DO NOT enter the stall directly to the right or left of the current occupant. It's rude. Don't do it. If you do I will look under the stall at your shoes and try and identify you for later mockery. This rule is excepted when there are only 2 stalls, or perhaps 3 but the farthest one has pee in the toilet. Which brings me to...
3. Ladies, this ones for you. If there is pee and or poop even already in the toilet, it is still a usable option. I know most of us will push the door open, see the used toilet and promptly turn away for the next available stall. This is not necessary. Simply use your foot to flush the toilet while still standing in the open bathroom just in case it wasn't flushed because it was going to overflow. I know that's your fear. And it's a valid fear. I have passed up many a toilet due to this. In my older years I try to be the responsible adult I am and just flush it before I go in. The exception to this is the toilet that has been used by The Nasty One. See below for the definition.
4. When someone is in the stall when you arrive, and you have chosen the farthest stall....but the other person is silent and still and doesn't move. Then you end up sitting there because you are waiting for them to leave before you pee and want them to leave first. YOU should pee and leave. They were there first. And I will tell you a little secret...they have to poop and don't want you to hear/smell it!! So stop f*ing sitting there and leave! This is called the Mexican Poop Stand-off. If you are concerned about the pre-pee fart, see below. If you have to also poop you should come back when the bathroom is empty. You could hang out outside and stare at them when they leave with the "I see you and know you just blew up the bathroom" look. However, the polite thing to do is stand a respectable distance away and wait so they don't see you. Then enter and do your business.
5. Please try and eek out any flatulence that may occur during those brief seconds before the pee stream comes on. This is called the pre-pee fart. Don't front like that doesn't happen to you. It happens to all of us. I have heard it a million times. Everyone farts a minimum of 14 times per day and a lot of times a little toot-ski sneaks out when you are relaxing to pee. But ladies, please, if someone is in the bathroom with you, do not just let out the world record fart. try and let it out slowly so there is only a slight noise if any at all. There may be an eeeeeeeee sound, or pfffffffftttttt. This is acceptable. If you can't do this you seriously should do some exercises. You should have control of your asshole. I mean come on.
In my opinion (and let's face it, mine is what matters here since it's my blog), there are also 6 classes of bathroom users.
1. The Rusher: This person rushes into the bathroom stall, drops trow and pees like they have been holding it for days. They then quickly wash their hands and rush back out...all in about 12.3 seconds.
2. The Lingerer: This person goes into the bathroom and sits on the toilet pooping for 15 minutes, then just sits there hanging out to avoid going back to work. These types can be identified by long stretches of complete silence usually punctuated by the clicking of a phone keypad or the turn of a page. I for sure have been guilty of this. However, this could also be the signs of a rule #4 situation. In time you will learn to tell the difference. I myself can be a lingerer at home mostly, however, I tend to wipe and then continue sitting. Otherwise you are sitting their with poo giblets hanging off your cornhole and that's just gross. It's my quiet time and I cherish it. I have a 1 and 2 year old...'nuff said.
3. The Gasser: This person has held their farts at their desk for as long as they possibly could. They enter the bathroom stall and sit down and immediately blast major ass. This person is inconsiderate and should read rule #5. Sometimes they even poop while others are in the bathroom still. It's gross and rude. You should aspire to be a #5.
4. The Nasty One: This person has no consideration for her fellow co-workers. She pees all over the seat, has explosive diarrhea while others are in the room, leaves remnant's of Aunt Flow's visit and then leaves without washing her hands. Stop being a filthy pig and behave like a grown woman. I will be looking at your shoes and identifying you.
5. The Silent One: This person sits quietly in the stall, waiting for the bathroom to be empty. Once sure she is alone, she will release any pent up gas, handle her business, flush with her foot, wash her hands, uses the paper towel to open the door (cause she knows someone hasn't washed their hands and then touched the door) and leave. We should all aspire to be this person. Although this person also may be a tad OCD. But whatever.
6. The Rude One: This person comes into the bathroom like they own the place. They will talk on their cell in the stall while peeing. They will do the Mexican Poop Stand-off with you till you leave, even when you were their silently waiting to poop when they came in. They will not wash their hands. If they don't do the stand-off, they will take forever to pee just knowing you are clenching back your fart/poop until they leave. They will stand at the sink and fluff their hair, make another call, go back into the stall like they forgot something, and generally just be a pain in the ass.
I am sure I have many more rules/types but that's probably the majority and I can't think of any more right this second. Hope you had fun reading it. We all think it, I just wrote it down. Enjoy it for the humorous truth it is. I would love to hear if you have something to add.
After a loooong week back from a fabulous vacation at Blue Lake, my best work bud Kathy and I decided to go out to lunch instead of eating what we brought. Now Kathy and I have been friends for going on 13 years and we go to lunch together every day and spend the whole time discussing whatever the latest thing is. Sometimes (ok a lot of times) it's about some of our favorite reality shows and what's going on with those. Other times its about our lives, husbands, kids...you know...everything. There is not much we don't discuss on our lunches.
Today however, was an especially funny one. We somehow (and don't ask how) got on the subject of bathroom use and all the funny things that go along with it. After much discussion and even more laughter I told her I was going to blog about it all tonight. After we left the restaurant, we thought, hmmm I wonder how many people there heard us talking about that while eating...oh well we said, who cares. So here goes, the funny, the gross, and the people who do it.
I work in an office of about 65 people. The majority of these people are women. We have about 9 men total. Now I am a woman so I can only speak about what goes on in the ladies room. I can't (and don't) want to know what unspeakable things happen in the men's room. Especially since I know what happens in the ladies room.
First let me start off by telling you my top 5 bathroom etiquette rules.
1. Wash Your Damn Hands!!!!!! Enough said.
2. If someone is in a stall when you arrive, go to the farthest stall from them, do your business, wash your hands and leave. DO NOT enter the stall directly to the right or left of the current occupant. It's rude. Don't do it. If you do I will look under the stall at your shoes and try and identify you for later mockery. This rule is excepted when there are only 2 stalls, or perhaps 3 but the farthest one has pee in the toilet. Which brings me to...
3. Ladies, this ones for you. If there is pee and or poop even already in the toilet, it is still a usable option. I know most of us will push the door open, see the used toilet and promptly turn away for the next available stall. This is not necessary. Simply use your foot to flush the toilet while still standing in the open bathroom just in case it wasn't flushed because it was going to overflow. I know that's your fear. And it's a valid fear. I have passed up many a toilet due to this. In my older years I try to be the responsible adult I am and just flush it before I go in. The exception to this is the toilet that has been used by The Nasty One. See below for the definition.
4. When someone is in the stall when you arrive, and you have chosen the farthest stall....but the other person is silent and still and doesn't move. Then you end up sitting there because you are waiting for them to leave before you pee and want them to leave first. YOU should pee and leave. They were there first. And I will tell you a little secret...they have to poop and don't want you to hear/smell it!! So stop f*ing sitting there and leave! This is called the Mexican Poop Stand-off. If you are concerned about the pre-pee fart, see below. If you have to also poop you should come back when the bathroom is empty. You could hang out outside and stare at them when they leave with the "I see you and know you just blew up the bathroom" look. However, the polite thing to do is stand a respectable distance away and wait so they don't see you. Then enter and do your business.
5. Please try and eek out any flatulence that may occur during those brief seconds before the pee stream comes on. This is called the pre-pee fart. Don't front like that doesn't happen to you. It happens to all of us. I have heard it a million times. Everyone farts a minimum of 14 times per day and a lot of times a little toot-ski sneaks out when you are relaxing to pee. But ladies, please, if someone is in the bathroom with you, do not just let out the world record fart. try and let it out slowly so there is only a slight noise if any at all. There may be an eeeeeeeee sound, or pfffffffftttttt. This is acceptable. If you can't do this you seriously should do some exercises. You should have control of your asshole. I mean come on.
In my opinion (and let's face it, mine is what matters here since it's my blog), there are also 6 classes of bathroom users.
1. The Rusher: This person rushes into the bathroom stall, drops trow and pees like they have been holding it for days. They then quickly wash their hands and rush back out...all in about 12.3 seconds.
2. The Lingerer: This person goes into the bathroom and sits on the toilet pooping for 15 minutes, then just sits there hanging out to avoid going back to work. These types can be identified by long stretches of complete silence usually punctuated by the clicking of a phone keypad or the turn of a page. I for sure have been guilty of this. However, this could also be the signs of a rule #4 situation. In time you will learn to tell the difference. I myself can be a lingerer at home mostly, however, I tend to wipe and then continue sitting. Otherwise you are sitting their with poo giblets hanging off your cornhole and that's just gross. It's my quiet time and I cherish it. I have a 1 and 2 year old...'nuff said.
3. The Gasser: This person has held their farts at their desk for as long as they possibly could. They enter the bathroom stall and sit down and immediately blast major ass. This person is inconsiderate and should read rule #5. Sometimes they even poop while others are in the bathroom still. It's gross and rude. You should aspire to be a #5.
4. The Nasty One: This person has no consideration for her fellow co-workers. She pees all over the seat, has explosive diarrhea while others are in the room, leaves remnant's of Aunt Flow's visit and then leaves without washing her hands. Stop being a filthy pig and behave like a grown woman. I will be looking at your shoes and identifying you.
5. The Silent One: This person sits quietly in the stall, waiting for the bathroom to be empty. Once sure she is alone, she will release any pent up gas, handle her business, flush with her foot, wash her hands, uses the paper towel to open the door (cause she knows someone hasn't washed their hands and then touched the door) and leave. We should all aspire to be this person. Although this person also may be a tad OCD. But whatever.
6. The Rude One: This person comes into the bathroom like they own the place. They will talk on their cell in the stall while peeing. They will do the Mexican Poop Stand-off with you till you leave, even when you were their silently waiting to poop when they came in. They will not wash their hands. If they don't do the stand-off, they will take forever to pee just knowing you are clenching back your fart/poop until they leave. They will stand at the sink and fluff their hair, make another call, go back into the stall like they forgot something, and generally just be a pain in the ass.
I am sure I have many more rules/types but that's probably the majority and I can't think of any more right this second. Hope you had fun reading it. We all think it, I just wrote it down. Enjoy it for the humorous truth it is. I would love to hear if you have something to add.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Pic of the week...The beginning.
I've decided to do a new "weekly" posting inspired in part (OK all) by Cynthia. Last night while we were enjoying yet another beautiful night at the Sonoma Farmer's Market she remarked, "I'll be looking for the pic of the week this week". This of course got me thinking...maybe I should do it weekly and pick my favorite two pictures of the past week and let you all decide which one wins. That part will be done via Facebook, of which you are all friends of mine so look for it.
In honor of the inspiration from Cynthia and her decision for last weeks picture, the pic of the week is of her gorgeous daughter Alexia. This was taken at Lake Berryessa last weekend. Lexi caught the first fish of the day all by herself. It was an awesome day with tons of fun had by all.
The day started off with a harrowing 2 year drive to get there. Cynthia said it would only take like 45 minutes but she totally lied. It took an hour and a half. It was a windy barf inducing journey with me, my mom and 4 kids. Thank god I drove because there for sure would have been an incident of barfing had I not. After finally making it most of the way, we started looking for Coyote Beach as per our directions from Cynthia. As we wound round and round the lake we were sure we were lost. Exit after exit of beaches whizzed by us and the kids slept in bliss and my mom and I started up our dialog.
Me: "Why wouldn't Cynthia have picked a closer beach? We had to have missed it. Great now we're lost...call her..."
Mom: "There's no signal."
Me: "Of course not, why would there be a signal when you need it?"
Mom:" I'm gonna be sick."
Me: "Check the directions again."
Mom: "I already read them to you!!!! They didn't change in the last 5 minutes."
Me: "Read them AGAIN then! I'm sure you skipped something!"
Mom: "I know how to read JENI. Turn left at East Shore which we did, then arrive at Coyote Beach. Clearly we're lost. Just keep driving....(mumbling) we just had to drive all the way out here when we could have swum at my house... Oh there's a signal finally!" Calls Cynthia. "We're lost, where the hell is this coyote beach? We just passed the visitor center, I'm pretty sure we passed it."
Cynthia: "Don't panic...you didn't pass it. Just keep going a little further and look for East Shore and turn in and go to the left."
Us: "Are you sure cause we have been driving forever and we had to have passed it...blah blah blah blah blah."
Cynthia: "stop panicking and keep driving" hangs up.
Us: ".........Oh there it is..turn in here. I'm positive her directions were wrong though."
In fact they did say turn left at East Shore when it should have been right, but really the sign where we actually did turn left indicated East Shore, hence our confusion. After arriving and setting up camp for the day we got right into the lake. It was beautiful...the water was warm, the air just warm enough without being too hot or too cold...just right. All the kids spent the majority of the day in the water or fishing on the other side of the inlet.
We lunched, the baby napped and then the ranger came. Two rangers actually and they were carrying a large rattlesnake. OK it was actually a rubber snake. They invited us to the snake demonstration which of course the kids thought was awesome. And it was...learned about snakes and then got to touch them.
Lexi and her fake snake
And then came the real ones...
Kayden had no problem touching either snake. She thought it was so cool.
The girls really liked playing with the fake snakes.
Kylie is all about looking cool while playing with fake snakes.
At the end of the day everyone was exhausted but it was truly an awesome day with the kids.
I can't wait for the annual girls/kid camping trip in a couple weeks at the Lake. It should be a blast, but you won't know anything about it, because what happens at camping stays at camping. Plus you wouldn't understand the jokes anyway cause you had to be there.
In conclusion, and due to the fact that I just started this and I have tons of pictures already from my new camera, I decided to go back and pick my favorites from the last few weeks. That will be in it's own posting. Now don't get crabby just because I said you guys could pick your favorites. You will get your chance in the coming weeks so just shuttie. Although I am feeling rather generous today so for a bonus just for my loyal followers, I will allow you to suggest a picture from any of my facebook albums for a special feature which I will call "Overall favorite". I will announce the winner when I feel like it and try and write a little something something about the picture. But I will save that for another time...so have fun looking at my pictures and I can't wait to see what you come up with. Should be interesting.
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