This started as my daily status on Facebook but since some of us (obviously not me) need all the help they can get I decided to update the blog with them and add some to it. You're welcome. This should be like a guidebook for you guys...a totally awesome guidebook written by someone who may or may not have a tad of amazing in them. Also? That person is me. Just wanted to be perfectly clear on that....me.
#1- Ladies, stop trying to take the remote out of your mans hands just because his eyes are closed and he snored through the entire episode of Sons of Anarchy. He's just resting his eyes. Plus you know the second you touch the remote he'll jerk awake and tighten his grip and say "I'm watching that". So what that the show ended 20 minutes ago and now its a rerun of Desperate Housewives. The trick is to slap it away so he doesn't have time to tighten his grip. Then you scramble for it before he is fully functional. Everyone knows that.
#2- men, stop questioning your women about why they need another pair of black shoes. Those shoes are totally different than the ones they already have. And yes we need the same pair in multiple colors. Stop being stupid. Same rule applies to purses. You don't have to understand it, just know its a fact. Why do you need multiple sports jerseys?? Or have to watch different teams play? Exactly.
#3- ladies stop asking your man how this outfit, shoes, hair look. His answer is always going to be "fine". The first outfit was fine, the shoes look fine, your hair looks fine, either way is fine. There are two reasons for this. First, he cannot tell the difference between the two shoes you are wearing. They look exactly the same to them even though one is clearly a peep toe and the other a wedge. Text your girlfriend a picture and have them tell you. You know they will be like "no you look like a sausage in a casing in that dress". Second, guys just want you to shut up and get the F*%^ dressed so you can leave to go to the damn movie!! They will tell you it looks fine even if you are wearing two different shoes and no pants. If they do give you detailed critique I suspect they may be playing for the other team and you should probably rethink the relationship. Or be happy you have a shopping buddy. One of those.
#4- men, sometimes a backrub is just a backrub. Your woman just wants you to give her a backrub without you expecting anything to come of it. Don't poke or prod...it's just annoying. I cannot stress this enough. Just do something selfless for once. It won't kill you. Probably it will be rewarded at some point. Just not right then. Also, a surprise massage without having to be asked, just to be nice, wins mega points. Which you can then use as leverage later. Much much later.
#5- ladies, stop talking to your men while they are watching sports. First, they cannot hear you. Men don't multitask. Period. Second, they don't want to hear you. They can talk to you during commercial or halftime or a stretching break, but not during a 60 yard touchdown or sudden death goal attempt. I'm not entirely sure what those mean but I'm almost positive it's both good and something that happens in some type of sport. Thirdly, it's just plain annoying. There are only three exceptions to this rule and that's if the questions are one of the following; Can I get you a beer? Can I get you a sandwich? Can I service you? Anything else can and should wait. Your best bet is to just leave the house and go hang out with your friends or go shopping. Probably you should ask if it's ok to buy yourself something frivolous. Since they aren't listening anyway chances are they will say yes. Everyone wins.
#6- ladies, if you have to ask your man if he just checked out that girls boobs, ass, etc...he did. Don't be a duh. He still loves you but unless you poked out his eyes when you landed him he didn't go blind. Plus then you wouldn't want him anyway cause his eyes are now weepy, infected, pussholes. And you know you checked her out too. Please. Give it a rest, insecurity is super annoying. Also, don't be all self righteous like you don't check out the half naked Abercrombie guy in the mall, do a double take and then turn to your friend and stay "holy shit did you see the abs on that dude?!". And then try and surreptitiously take a picture of your friend with him in the background. But then he waves you over and you walk swiftly away like a giggling idiot. It happens. All the time. Trust me. You're welcome.
#7- ladies, men are fairly straightforward creatures. Give them sex and food and they are happy. For the most part. I heard it best put like this. Men have two emotions, horny and hungry. If you see a man without an erection, get him a sandwich. For real, ask them. Probably they would like one or the other right now. See? You owe me a dollar...for the bet we just made, except it was in my mind but it still totally counts. Send it to my house, in cash. So help me if you pay me in pennies I will stab you. And stop with the I have a headache bullshit. First, you don't have a headache. Second, what the hell is wrong with you? You know you like it once you are doing it. Stop being such an asshole. Third, it's super lame. Your men need to have sex on the regular, and lets face it, you are a lot less bitchy when you get some. We all are. If you aren't giving it to your man, someone else would be happy to. I'm just saying a couple times a week would be cool. I will allow for some creative excuses though. Like, I can't tonight because my phone attacked my face and now I have to be on the lookout for more sneak attacks. Or, I wish I could but I cut my foot earlier and my shoe is filling up with blood. Or possibly, In that case, how can you be expected to perform? Its basic science.
#8- men, your women fake it. Probably more than you suspect. I don't know why you are so surprised about this. It's not the end of the world. Women have this insane need to make men feel good about their prowess. I don't know why...probably its because we are so awesome. You will never know the difference either...cause we are just that good. Seriously. We are. Don't bother arguing with me. I said don't bother. It's ok though. The blame lies with the women. I swear it does and here's why. Women, knock that crap off!! It's your own fault if you are faking it. Men want you to "arrive", but if you fake it they think what they are doing is working and you set up an unfair precedent. Probably you should just tell them exactly what you want and where. They are not frigging mind readers. I mean come on. See what I did there? Anyway, you have no one to blame but yourself. If you don't know what you need to arrive, I can't help you...and you should probably be the first to be eaten in the zombie apocalypse. You aren't using your brain anyway.
#9- ladies, if your man likes to see you in certain clothes, shoes, hairstyle, or level of makeup...just do it for them. What the shit is the problem? He is who you want to think you look good right? Unless he wants you in creepy costumes (like a zombie, or Sarah Palin, or a cat), or to have a mullet, or to wear really ugly Herman Munster shoes. That just isn't cool. Also, probably you should lay out his clothes in the morning so he doesn't look like an idiot. Or tell him he looks stupid and should change. One of those. But if he likes to see you in heels for instance, shut your facehole and wear them...at least at home, in the bedroom. Heh heh heh.
#10- men, you will never understand women. We are mysterious, amazing entities. Probably we are a little bit crazy sometimes, but that is just part of our charm. Just love us for the awesome people that we are and accept the crazy. Embrace the crazy, love the crazy, live the crazy. Don't be like, "yeah you are", either cause you guys are just as nuts. Probably.
Learn it, live it, know it.
Deuces!
