Twas the Night Before Christmas...according to Jeni.

Twas the Night Before Christmas By Clement Moore (including special commentary by me...you're welcome)


Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...save for the sounds of gunfire from video games in the living room. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there...well more like on the lowest shelf so my kids don't pull the stabby hangers down onto their faces and impale themselves with the cute snowman's arms, effectively ruining Christmas for everyone. First day, they wrecked it.


The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads...until Kayden got up because she was scared of said sugarplums and said she had to sleep with me. And mama in her kerchief, and I in my cap, had just settled down for a long winters nap...lets be real, I am not wearing a kerchief nor is TJ wearing a cap, and I just settled down with a peppermint martini to watch some Real Housewives and TJ is playing COD Black Ops II until the kids are for sure out so we can put out presents. Be jealous.


When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutter and threw up the sash. The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow, gave the luster of midday to objects below. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer....OK first off, if there was a clatter I would be the only one springing from the bed because TJ would be snoring so loud he wouldn't hear it, and then I would be to scared to look for fear that when I opened my blinds (sash..really?) there would be a face staring back at me. Also, definitely no snow, just the glare of the streetlight outside. Plus everyone knows there are nine reindeer.


With a little old driver so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St Nick...or possibly a crazy homeless guy, one of those. More rapid than eagles his coursers they came...yeah, no idea what that means. And he whistled and shouted, and called them by name. Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer and Vixen! On Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen!...ummmm does no one remember, but do you recall, the most famous reindeer of all? Rudolph of course, who forgets him in their story...super RUDE! To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall, now dash away, dash away, dash away all.


As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky. So up to the housetop the coursers they flew, with the sleigh full of toys and St Nicholas too....I suspect the author was running out of rhymes at this point due to the hurricane reference. Not sure where he was going with that. And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof, the prancing and pawing of each little hoof. As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound!...and I screamed bloody murder and tried to run away because a stranger just broke into my house.


He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot...which led me to believe he had robbed several other house already due to the amount of ninja disguise he was wearing. A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack....need I say more, peddler? So sketchy. His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples how merry, his cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry..which was either from the cold or the eggnog he was swilling out of a snowman flask to stay warm. His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow...at least I hope its snow..I'm just saying, you stay up all night breaking into peoples house, you just can't be sure. I feel like I'm right to be suspicious.


The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath...couple things here, how rude is it to smoke in someones home, and I know that wasn't tobacco dude, please. He had a broad face and a round little belly, that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly (which I suspect is a byproduct of the munchies). He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, and I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself. A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head soon led me to know I had nothing to dread...mostly I laughed from the contact high I was getting from his pipe and the smoke rings he kept blowing in my face.


He spoke not a word but went straight to work, and filled all the stockings and turned with a jerk...which completely scared the crap outta me and I may or may not have screamed and peed a little. And laying a finger aside of his nose (or in, it was hard to tell in the dim light) and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose...this I pictured like the kid who got stuck in the chocolate lake tube on Willie Wonka where once the pressure got too bad he shot up and out! He sprang to his sleigh (come on, he moseyed at best, he's in no shape to spring all fat and stoned) to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight...MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!!!