The Ghetto Ass circus - a tale of clowns, acrobats and mustard

Editors note: I may or may not have embellished parts of the story for comic effect. Also, some parts I just made up entirely.


My beautiful daughter Kayden celebrated her 3rd birthday this last Friday. She's basically the smartest, most beautiful and amazing child that has ever lived in the history of kids...except my other daughter Bailey of course. So to celebrate my sister had some tickets to the Picadilly Circus and we thought that would be a fun thing for take the kids to. Our first sign of impending ghetto assness should have been that it was held at the Sonoma County Fairgrounds. But the hell with it, we'll be happy to check that shit out!! Let it be said that I partly, and by partly I mean totally, blame Mindy for not warning me. Not cool Mindy, not cool.


It was a dark and rainy Saturday night. We departed from Sonoma around 6:30 with 5 in my car and another 4 in Eryns friends car (whose name I cannot remember because I am an asshole). We arrived at the fairgrounds around 7:10 and waited in line to park. Let the ridiculous fees commence. $6 for parking but whatever. As we all get out and start walking we realize there are no signs for this alleged circus. Suddenly, as we round the main building there is a line. But something seems off about this line.


Eryn- is there a reason that every girl in line is wearing hooker shoes and crotch revealing dresses?


Me- maybe they are performers. Also, you shouldn't judge the whores.


Random dude with a dollar store flashlight/airplane wand- the circus is down to the left.


Me- why did he assume we were circus going folk? Are we dressed like carnies? Or toothless hillbillies?


Eryn- Ummmm maybe cause everyone in that line is Hispanic? And dressed like hoochies?


Me- oh, so they are....so they are.


As we walk up to the building on the left I realized it was the hall of flowers building. Now that's high class right there, I can't believe they defiled the building like that. Right before we get there is a ragtag group of protestors. By ragtag I mean like 3 people with flyers and what appears to be a homemade sandwich board sign saying "don't support the circus". Well thanks a lot lady, a little late for that warning don't you think? I'm like 2 steps from the door and have 6 kids with me. I take her stupid flyer that tells about how abused the animals are. 


As if I didn't know that the elephants don't want to perform stupid tricks for our enjoyment. The girl thanked me, which was nice considering I continued right past her up to the building. Also, she made me feel like a bigger asshole cause she was nice. I hate her. So we walked right up to the ticket booth (I use that term lightly) and the guy, who doesn't even look at me, is all "$30" and I'm all WTF are you serious? Perhaps he didn't hear me or was just ignoring me because he didn't respond. Then I see the sign that says today's show will not include the tiger, monkey or kangaroo. 


Me: what the shit? No tiger, monkey or kangaroo? What kind of ghetto circus are you running here?


Booth guy: silence


Me: I feel like since I am being shorted 3 animals I should get a 30% discount. How about I give you $21 and we call it even.


Booth guy: silence


Me: fucking carnies, here's your damn money you thieving shady bastard. 


Actually only part of that is true but looking back that is what should have happened. Also, they only took cash (hella shady right) and I only had $28 on me so Eryn had to spot me the other $2. I am not repaying her. So we get our tickets and go inside. There was no line anywhere because there were exactly 26 people inside. Possibly more but it's not important. We find some seats and another carny yells out "VIP ringside seats are still available, upgrade now". Really, they are still available? What was your first clue? The fact that there are folding chairs in two rows around the ring, and there are exactly 5 people sitting in them? We sit in an empty row close to the exit...just in case the abused circus animals decide to go on a rampage and trample everyone in the stands. It happens, and its a perfectly valid fear. Also, we checked out our, roll down under the stands pulling the kids with us options. Cause we are amazing parents. Then next to me this jerk lady totally puts her leg up on the bench as it that would discourage us from sitting in front of her. I took it as a personal challenge and scooted right next to her foot to make it as awkward for her as possible. Then I kinda mooshed her foot over with my butt. She persisted. So I turned and said oh so politely, "do you think you can move your effing foot so we can all sit here?" She was not amused, who knows why, I'm not a psychic. So I sat on her foot. Cause that's what happens when you are bench hogging bitch. She huffed and moved after that. There was really no need to be all huffy about though. She must have been having a bad day.


Across the room we spy pony rides. Eryn asked Kayden if she wanted to ride and of course she did. She had a blast. I suspect the pony hated us and wanted to trample us with his tiny hooves. He had an evil pony kind of vibe to him. You know how some ponies have that look.

I hate humans, I want to trample them with my tiny pony hooves

The kids were hungry so we went to the 4 miniature booths where the options were soggy hotdogs, nachos, popcorn, cotton candy or a snow cone. I decided on the hot dogs and a nacho. I asked the dude how much and he says $4 and I'm all seriously, and he just stared at me. So I ask for 2 dogs and a nacho and hand him a $20. He hands me the two hot dogs and nacho and I am trying to balance them and he goes to the next person. Then I realize he didn't give me my change so I turn back around and only THEN does he pull out and give me back $7. I'm positive he ripped me off but carnies have that crazy look and I didn't want him to get me with his carny powers so I just left. Then it was time for the fun to begin. Now I didn't take pictures sadly so I will do my best to describe it. First came the motorcycle guys. They did the round cage trick thingy and it was actually very cool. Next came the clown. I also use this term loosely because really it was the scariest, fat non clown in the world. He barely had a clown face. He looked more like a hobo. A fat well fed hobo. Here is a picture.

I like to eat children!

I'm totally kidding but Shawn posted that and it scared the living shit out of me so You're Welcome. He drove out an old timey car and did this whole act like a mime. OK it wasn't like a mime but apparently microphones are too expensive so he just yelled...but not terribly loudly. There was fire and water squirting and probably a midget...excuse me...little person, under the hood throwing out M80's every so often. The car also drove itself which both worried and fascinated me. I couldn't help but picture the act going horribly wrong and running over the VIP people. That's what happens when you think you are so cool and sit in VIP at a ghetto ass circus. You get run over by a self driving car with midgets under the hood. Although I was incredibly disappointed that there was no 45 midget clowns come out of the clown car part of the act. Since there appeared to be only 10 people in the whole show just doing a costume change, and it was ghetto ass, I should not have been surprised. During his act, they were disassembling the motorcycle cage thing. Band Bang Bang. 


me: you've got to be kidding me!


foot lady: rolls eyes


me: SERIOUSLY!!! Can you not wait until after? I mean it's not like you have to clean up after the non-existent tigers, monkeys or boxing kangaroos.


foot lady: turns away in a huff


Then one of the carnies comes by while the guy in front of us is snapping pictures and says "no flash photography" and I think, why cause it will startle the human performers and they will go crazy and trample the crowd? Then came some more "clowns" doing a whole still silent act about this case that supposedly had a tiger in it. However since I knew there would be no tiger from the aforementioned sign, I was not fooled by their overdone pyrotechnics and bad sound. Since there were only shows on Friday and Saturday, I strongly suspected that either the tiger ate the monkey and the boxing kangaroo tried to punch him in the face to stop him, or there were never animals at all. It was all a clever ruse to lure you in. So anyway, after 5 long minutes of looking in the cage, then running away as the piped in roar sounded, the "tiger" came out...which turns out was actually a chihuahua in a costume. Poor thing looked traumatized. Especially since I'm pretty sure they set off a M80 in the cage and he was now blind and deaf.


Then came the balancing dude. The only funny thing about his act was that he fell off the pedestal. People falling is always funny. I laughed really loudly and the same foot sitting lady was not pleased. He wasn't hurt, he just sucked. I started to realize this was a human circus, which totally blew. I'm sure there were a couple other "acts" but then something amazing happened. The lights dimmed, the music changed, and out from behind the red velvet curtain came......Trans-mother fucking-formers!!! Side note: You could fully see behind the curtain. It was free standing in the middle of the room but was only like 20 feet wide in a 100 foot room.


me (screaming): Oh shit, Autobots and Decepticons! It just got real up in this circus!!


foot lady: hmpff


me (gesturing excitedly): That's Optimus Prime bitch, Optimus Prime!


foot lady: silence


Jonathan: hahahahahahahahahaha


There was some half hearted clapping and then the lights came on and the announcer says that for a fee you can get your picture taken with the Transformers or a giant Britney Spears snake. During intermission we let Kayden jump in the bouncy house (which I now think probably was not wise considering I doubted they ever cleaned it) and then she got to ride the elephant. 

Yeah we love the abused elephant!

The ride was in a circle behind the oh so mysterious curtain and lasted all of about :42 seconds and cost Eryn $10. Kayden loved it. As we returned to our seats the Transformers came walking by and I realized it was just the clowns in costume. I was incredibly disillusioned. The show resumed with a roller skating act. That's right, that just happened. They were on a 5 diameter circle and was a male/female team. Mostly they spun in a circle and sometimes he lifted her. The coolest part was when they put on this pair of giant soft handcuffs, but around their necks and dude swung her around in a circle by her neck. Then she started spinning around while they were spinning around. It was madness. What would have made it even more awesome is if the hook broke and she went flying but then did a flip and landed on her skates and rolled away. That would have been epic. After that was a really long and fairly boring music routine where three "clowns" played various instruments. Possibly there was also another act or two but around that time Eryn pointed out the girl in front of her. On the back of her sweatshirt was a big blog of mustard. I immediately whipped out my phone and took a picture to post on Facebook. If I was a nicer person I would have let her know and offered her a napkin, but earlier she almost sat on my kids hot dog so I wasn't feeling particularly helpful. I suspect the foot lady did it but I was much too polite to point it out. 

oopsie, someone spilled mustard on that lady! Awkward!

Then there was a guy who spun some weird metal shapes really fast. He was lame. Then came the contortionist. I will admit, that chick could bend. She also shot a bow and arrow at a balloon, with her feet, whilst doing a handstand! I thought I was cool cause I could pick up a pencil with my toes. The last act was the elephants. They walked in a circle and on their hind legs, and did some handstands...all of which was pretty cool I suppose. Then at last the show was over. 

Yes that's the VIP seating and the famous curtain

Even though it was a ghetto ass circus, the kids really enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed the story...try and guess which parts are true. I think you will be surprised.