Its a brand new year, and I've got the same badass attitude

Happy New Year everyone! 2013 is upon us and its time for my annual first of the year post. The new year is a time to make resolutions you rarely intend on keeping, and now with the invention of social media, brag about it to everyone you may or may not actually know for about the first two weeks of the year before you stop bothering because no one give a good rats ass about it. Ohhhhhh wow you are going climb Mount Everest and run a marathon this year, and are going to finally finish that project you started 6 years ago?! Bra-fucking-vo butthole. I mostly make resolutions as a challenge to myself to see if my inner self has any fortitude. Hint: I totally don't. My inner self can be kind of an asshole. Also? She's lazy as all get out. I totally blame her for all the stuff I say I will do but I really won't.

New years are all about washing away the negative from the previous year. It's a time to resolve past issues and get them out of your life. A time to move on and upward. A time to start fresh, to live life more fully yada yada yada. But let's be honest, do we really need a new year to do all of that? Of course not. It's just an excuse we use for about the second half of the year as a goal date to do all the crapola we don't in any way want to do and are putting off as long as humanly possible. Lose the weight we gained. Start a new habit. Learn a new skill. Go back to school. The lame ass list can go on and on. The reality is we shouldn't have to wait for a new year to do any of this...but we do and we will continue to do so because we are procrastinators. Don't bother thinking to yourself, oh not me I am a go getter, a super mom, a powerhouse....I get shit done! Please fool, you are struggling to get through each day with kids, spouses, work, family and life just like the rest of us little peons. I think this year instead of a resolution I am going to once again make some goals for myself that probably I won't keep, mostly because I am lazy and would rather watch The Real Housewives of anywhere. My inner self will take advantage and be all, you totes shouldn't do it, just sit around and do nothing instead, come on, it'll be so super fun. Your kids are sleeping, now is your chance to take a nap too!! Screw that pile of laundry and sink full of dishes. My inner self is not only an asshole but kind of similar to a drug pusher apparently.

Side rant: Am I the only one that is driven insane by those people who are always talking about how incredibly busy their life is and how they have sooooo much to do all the time, and they are just scheduled to the max for the next 42 weeks and can't possibly make it to anything because they have kids, or a husband, and/or a stressful job? I hope you fall off that high horse and land on your loaching ass in a mud puddle that isn't mud at all, but poo, you annoying person you. You honey, are just like the rest of us. We have kids. We work. We have husbands, and family, and activities and appointments and committees and meetings and on and on. I don't want to hear you moan and complain about how Fifi has advanced ballet with a world renowned teacher 3 times a week 45 miles away because she is definitely the next (insert some fancy ballet persons name here), and Reginald III has cricket in Walnut Creek, and little Alcott is already potty trained at 18 months and speaking two languages. In the meantime I'm over here like, yeah buddy, my kids are alive still and make it to the bathroom like 87% of the time! Boom...nailed it! Mother of the year right here.

But in the end all of our lives are as busy as we choose to make them. I get my sloth like ass up at 4:00 am every frigging day, go to work for 9 hours, pick up my kids, go to whatever is scheduled that day, go home and start prepping for the next day with packing lunches, getting clothes laid out, making dinner, giving baths and putting kids to bed. Like...every...other...parent....everywhere. Then at 8:00 I get to sit my ass down even though I should be doing laundry or cleaning my house, and I watch TV. That's right, I sit on my wicked lazy ass and watch TV for approximately one hour until I pass out because I can't possibly stay up. Don't get me wrong, there are also those parents we all envy who do it all and you never hear them complain, and they make it look so fucking easy. I totally want to wiener punch them and add a double boob punch just for good measure for making me look so lame. Just kidding not really, I'm just jealous. Seriously though, knock it off. I'm fine with being a braggy braggerson about your kids because you are so totally going to hear about every awesome thing my little rugrats do but don't be so damn dramatic about it people! We geeeeeeet it, you're busy. Do you want a damn brownie button. Just shut your yap hole and bitch to your friends like the rest of us. No one likes to hear about how super busy you always are. Figure it the fuck out or stop doing it for fucks sake. Spoiler, I feel like cussing a lot tonight. You're welcome.

Back to subject at hand, the new year. Well crap, I got all ranty and forgot what I was going to say. It was probably going to change your life too. Blame the busy people, they made me forget. Let me distract you with some cute pics of my kids being really busy and amazing. See what I did there?

Oh you're still here? Damn. Ok lets see what I can come up with. I suppose I can quickly sum up my year. The first half was same as last year, TJ home with the girls and us getting by fairly happily. One of the biggest changes in our family was Bailey starting preschool and TJ going back to work. It has been a very stressful time with only one income and the dynamic not exactly as planned with one of us staying home but I am so glad we did. Our home life shifted completely in August with now two full time working parents and both girls in full time preschool and daycare...but its been a positive change. We are all happier and the girls whine every day when I pick them up that they didn't even get to play enough!! I got to go away for my birthday for a girls weekend with my best friends and it was exactly what I wanted it to be. Relaxing, and fun, and ridiculous. We laughed too much, cried a little, drank a lot, danced, sang, and made memories. I love those three girls and cherish those friendships more than they will ever know. 

The kids are growing and changing so fast I resolve to continue to make sure and take the time to out to just hang out with them. To watch them ballet dance in my room to the music they have picked out. To let them jump on the beds, and run screaming through the house playing tag. To getting flashlights out and play with them in the dark hallway. To take rainwalks that end up being puddle swimming walks. To let them get dirty and have fun and be kids. The activities and lessons are great and they love them so much and bonus...it gets out so much energy! But there is something to be said for the lazy family days, staying in your pajamas all day on purpose and laying around on the playroom floor being doctored by my kids, and playing with the kitchen set. The years will fly by and way too soon they won't want to lay in bed cuddling me.

Damn it again, this was supposed to be about the new year. For this year I resolve to do a couple of things. I may or may not do them due to the inner asshole but whatevs. First, I will do annual, if not bi-annual or more often mommy and me days and insist TJ do the same. I think these days will be really important in the future in keeping in touch with my girls as they grow. I will add in Kylie and Jonathan at least once per year to do an Aunty and me day. They need to know how very very important they are to me just the same as they always have been, even now that I have my own kids and don't get to see them every single day like I used to. I will update the damn blog more often...this I say every year and never do it. But now that I have a nice laptop no more excuses because it can be done from the comfort of my bed. I will work on my photography. That one I actually did some of this year. I did a maternity shoot for Sarah that I thought came out great! That's all I am saying for now because I'm tired and Doctor Who is calling and its my bedtime. This post was all over the place but I don't really care. 

Nightly night y'all.

Twas the Night Before Christmas...according to Jeni.

Twas the Night Before Christmas By Clement Moore (including special commentary by me...you're welcome)


Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...save for the sounds of gunfire from video games in the living room. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there...well more like on the lowest shelf so my kids don't pull the stabby hangers down onto their faces and impale themselves with the cute snowman's arms, effectively ruining Christmas for everyone. First day, they wrecked it.


The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads...until Kayden got up because she was scared of said sugarplums and said she had to sleep with me. And mama in her kerchief, and I in my cap, had just settled down for a long winters nap...lets be real, I am not wearing a kerchief nor is TJ wearing a cap, and I just settled down with a peppermint martini to watch some Real Housewives and TJ is playing COD Black Ops II until the kids are for sure out so we can put out presents. Be jealous.


When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutter and threw up the sash. The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow, gave the luster of midday to objects below. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer....OK first off, if there was a clatter I would be the only one springing from the bed because TJ would be snoring so loud he wouldn't hear it, and then I would be to scared to look for fear that when I opened my blinds (sash..really?) there would be a face staring back at me. Also, definitely no snow, just the glare of the streetlight outside. Plus everyone knows there are nine reindeer.


With a little old driver so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St Nick...or possibly a crazy homeless guy, one of those. More rapid than eagles his coursers they came...yeah, no idea what that means. And he whistled and shouted, and called them by name. Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer and Vixen! On Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen!...ummmm does no one remember, but do you recall, the most famous reindeer of all? Rudolph of course, who forgets him in their story...super RUDE! To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall, now dash away, dash away, dash away all.


As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky. So up to the housetop the coursers they flew, with the sleigh full of toys and St Nicholas too....I suspect the author was running out of rhymes at this point due to the hurricane reference. Not sure where he was going with that. And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof, the prancing and pawing of each little hoof. As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound!...and I screamed bloody murder and tried to run away because a stranger just broke into my house.


He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot...which led me to believe he had robbed several other house already due to the amount of ninja disguise he was wearing. A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack....need I say more, peddler? So sketchy. His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples how merry, his cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry..which was either from the cold or the eggnog he was swilling out of a snowman flask to stay warm. His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow...at least I hope its snow..I'm just saying, you stay up all night breaking into peoples house, you just can't be sure. I feel like I'm right to be suspicious.


The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath...couple things here, how rude is it to smoke in someones home, and I know that wasn't tobacco dude, please. He had a broad face and a round little belly, that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly (which I suspect is a byproduct of the munchies). He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, and I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself. A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head soon led me to know I had nothing to dread...mostly I laughed from the contact high I was getting from his pipe and the smoke rings he kept blowing in my face.


He spoke not a word but went straight to work, and filled all the stockings and turned with a jerk...which completely scared the crap outta me and I may or may not have screamed and peed a little. And laying a finger aside of his nose (or in, it was hard to tell in the dim light) and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose...this I pictured like the kid who got stuck in the chocolate lake tube on Willie Wonka where once the pressure got too bad he shot up and out! He sprang to his sleigh (come on, he moseyed at best, he's in no shape to spring all fat and stoned) to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight...MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!!!

Uh oh, someone is a ten year old boy inside. Hint: It's me.

Lately, I have come to the realization that inside I am actually a 10 year old boy. Not like I'm really a boy and gonna whack off my boobs "inside". Don't make it weird. Like I have the same sense of humor, and reaction to life that 10 year old boys have. It was a slow awkwardly funny realization that mostly took place at work. Coincidentally, not a great place for realizations.

It started out on a cold dark morning. I was carefully driving up the hill at an even 25 miles per hour. I glided to a stop for exactly 3 seconds and then proceeded through the stop sign, only to see the most glorious sight. A DEAD MOTHER FUCKING BIRD! Right there in the middle of the road. Just waiting for me. Or lying in wait, which sounds much cooler and also more accurate.

Now anyone who knows me at all, is already aware of my irrational fear/loathing of birds. This includes all manner of nasty winged creature. Chickens mostly, but turkeys, pigeons, parrots, canaries...all of them. Semi-cute from afar but terrifying up close. Seriously, they all deserve to die in a ceiling fan accident, which totally coincidentally happened one time to a nasty bird who tried to peck my eyes out and swooped me like a million times. That my friends, is called Bird Karma. Burn bastard bird! Suck...it...YEAH! Listen, they all want to peck your eyes out. One look into those soulless beady little eyes proves my point. I have been attacked by birds no less than 1000 times. Probably it was like twice but it felt a lot more dramatic than it sounds now that I am writing it. Also? To be fair, a chicken totally brushed against the back of my leg while trying to peck my toe off and eat it, and when I kicked at it and screamed...IT DIDN'T RUN! Now you totally get it right? Fucking pecker! Heh heh heh Not the point of this post but I feel like I need to explain why I was excited about seeing a dead bird. But I digress..clearly.

Any..way, instead of thinking gross or going around it, my very first thought was "ooooohhhh my GOSH, I am totally gonna come back up here on my break and poke that with a big stick". Followed by a loud snort and a "heh heh heh heh poke it with a big stick...that's what she said". I laughed all the way to work...because that my friends, is what you call comedy.

A few months ago I coined a new phrase, a threat actually. In recent months my wickedly awesome family has taken to using the threat of a wiener punch for everything. Or WP for short. I have used it on everyone. It started with my nephew because he really needed one, then became a song and now will live on in infamy forever more. Here are the words so that you too may enjoy the wiener punch song...

Who wants a wiener punch
a wiener punch, a wiener punch?
Who wants a wiener punch?
JONATHAN DOES!!!

I know, a-mazing right? We will also use a bang-cock as needed, mostly because I want to say cock and not have it be weird.

Updated  October 2012- I wrote this post originally in January and only now realized I neither finished it nor posted it. But now I forgot the rest of what I was going to say so never mind....now you get to read a half cocked (heh heh heh) unfinished post. Sucker!

There are several phrases that everyone should add to their repertoire...they are as follows:

In response to:

Where is the...? If it was up your butt you'd know.
What time is it? Time to get a mother effing watch or half past a monkeys ass quarter to his balls
Who...? Your mom

Try using them at work, makes for some great conversations. I'm serious, I do it all the time. Speaking of work and being a ten year old boy inside...

Today there was a possibly dead or maybe even just stunned bird out the front doors of our office building. Nicole gets the call and promptly enlists me to check it out with her. Her intent was to try and "save" it cause that's what she does. Why I don't know...birds are gross, see above. My intent, to poke it should it be dead. Well we were in luck, it was tits up, dead as a doornail, ready for the big swirly to the sewer. It totally committed suicide by slamming into the front glass doors. Because birds are nasty, beady eye peckers. although this one was slightly cute, even dead. Instead of respectfully disposing of its tiny body, we took some pictures of it first.

Then we walked it in the paper towel all the other way around to the other side of the opposite building just to place it in the grass to return to the earth. Nicole made me do that. I would have thrown it in the trash. She was sure the Bank of Marin people were watching and judging us, like throwing it away was worse than taking pictures of it complete with photo bomb. At first when I put it in the bushes in went head down ass up which I thought was kind of awesome, but Nicole did not agree. She is so weird sometimes. Then i had to grab it by the tail with the paper towel and lay it serenely in the grass. Rest in Peace nasty little bird.

Deuces 2011! Jeni out...and hello 2012, you better be a great year or it's a wiener punch for you! I'm serious, I will wiener punch you so hard you will not remember your year. Consider yourself warned.

Well another year has gone by...as always all too quickly. I have lost things this year...40 pounds, a few friends and probably a bunch of crap I don't even know about. I have also gained a whole lot this year..new friends, self respect, a new (or returning) body, and a new appreciation for the little things. I watched my girls grow and change and my relationship grow a little and change. Overall was 2011 a good year? Yes, I think it was. 


The year started off like 2010 ended, with a lot of turmoil in my personal life. Anger, hurt, confusion, frustration and a lot of ugly words marked the beginning of 2011. Thankfully the year ended one hell of a lot better than it started. It's funny how just 12 short months ago I was writing a New Years post much like this as a much more unhappy girl, yet hiding it from most people. I was way too fat for my liking, was not happy at home, and still put on a smile every day like I was fine. Women have this amazing ability to be crying their eyes out every night but pasting a smile on every day for those around her. It's not always healthy but we do what we have to in order to make it through the day. I amaze even myself sometimes when I think back to how I functioned through one of the roughest times in my life. The months went by and things got better. I changed a lot during this time though. I have less patience in some areas, I shut down/off easier, I don't let things affect me as much, and if someone doesn't appreciate how awesome I am I can let them go a lot easier than before. I don't know if that is a good thing or not. We shall see.


Since 2009 I have been pregnant, breastfeeding, then pregnant and breastfeeding again. I gained (lost) and then gained some more baby weight. I had two children and changed my whole life to end up being who I am now...a mother. But his year I am finally not pregnant, not breastfeeding and feeling a lot more like the old Jeni. I missed her, she was really awesome. I'm glad she's back. Except now I am a mother of two, and a lot more confident and happy even in my new mommy body. It took a lot of hard work and that is still continuing. I have lost 40 pounds and still want to lose about 9 more. And I totally will cause I am just that cool. Pregnancy is a beautiful (and gross) thing. But some of the changes having babies brings I could seriously have done without. Since I know boys read this I won't get into the graphic details, but suffice to say, my body isn't exactly like it was before. But that's cool, I will consider them battle scars from creating new fucking life y'all. I made two humans!! I mean come on, that is a GD miracle. Humans!  


40 pounds lighter today and I feel amazing! Here I am a year ago (yikes)...

And here I am today (with some of my besties)....

Feeling good, looking good. Recently I decided to change the way I present myself. Dressing nicely and putting on makeup is no longer just for weekends and special occasions. I vow to dress up at least a few times a week for work and put on makeup every day. It is amazing how much of a difference dressing up and putting yourself together can make to how you feel. I walk with my head a little higher, a bigger smile on my face. Unfortunately some people just don't appreciate the new me...but you know what? I don't give a shit. This is who I am now and I don't have to prove myself to anyone. I am AWESOME and I know it..and I'm gonna show it so suck it haters! 


My girls have grown by leaps and bounds in the last year. Bailey was just 4 months old..

and is now a walking, talking toddler.

 17 months old and a little darling. She is a rolly polly little sweetheart but she is tough. She can hold her own against her 3 year old tyrant of a sister. She can express what she wants and can dance like no body's business. She for sure got my moves, lucky girl. 


Kayden is 3 and adorable, yet as bratty as she can be. A sweet little 2 year old a year ago....

She has grown into a self sufficient little smart ass.

She is funny, and smart, and has a come back for everything. She makes me laugh every day, and also makes me want to pull my hair out. I love every second of being with her, even when I want to whack her. We potty trained and argued and hugged and cried and laughed and played. I couldn't be happier.


I am hopeful that 2012 will see life getting better and better. Bailey will be going off to preschool before I know it. TJ will return to work and a whole new chapter will begin. Two full time working parents and two kids in full time childcare. It will be exciting and stressful and different. The commitment that TJ and I made to our children to have a parent home full time until they were ready to be in the more than capable care of Sunshine Nursery School and their fantastic teachers, will come to an end. It will be challenging, but good for all of us. I am anxious to see my girls grow but also sad that the baby years are coming to an end so soon. My little babies are toddlers, preschoolers, little girls instead of babies. Don't get me wrong, I am not having any more kids. I just want to make sure I appreciate every stage in their oh so short childhoods and take joy in every stage.


I have learned a lot this year. About myself, about my friends...about life. I have grown and changed and plan to keep on growing and changing. My true friends will be there through it all...you know who you are. I have a new appreciation for how well loved I really am. I am so very blessed to have so many amazing and long term friends. I have so many people who would, will, and have been there for me throughout my life and will continue to be there. Just as I will and have been there for them. I truly am a very lucky girl and I am aware of this. I will have to let go of people who don't appreciate me, and welcome with open arms any new friends into my life. So let that be a warning to you. I'm kidding of course...but only kind of. I no longer will let myself be devalued in any way. I'm gonna keep on keeping on. I cannot and will not let anyone drag me down. I will keep a positive outlook through it all. Head held high, no one will see me fall. Haters gonna hate, and they are welcome to. 


So another year ends and a new one begins. Like the sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. My new years resolution is to continue to grow and change. To make myself into the person I want to be. It's a never ending evolution, as well it should be. To become stagnant is to become pond scum. The waters have to keep flowing in order to remain fresh and healthy and so must we. I am not getting any younger but for sure I am wiser than I was last year or the year before that. For that I am thankful. And for another year I am grateful. New year, better me. This year I will appreciate the little things more. I will pay more attention to my husband. I will play with my kids more. I will stop and smell the roses. I will watch the sunset. I will take even better care of myself. I will be more thoughtful to those around me. I will be less selfish. I will participate more in my church. I will initiate phone calls with friends. I will prioritize better. I will learn more about photography. I will love more. I will hate less. These things I pray will come to be. I will try my best, and probably I will fail but I will not stop trying. Bring it 2012, I am ready for you. 


Happy New Year everyone! May God bless you with everything you need and some of what you want.     

Some boy/girl advice from me...probably you should memorize it. I'm serious. Memorize it. I may as well be a doctor...Dr. Jeni...or Dr. Awesome, I haven't decided yet.

This started as my daily status on Facebook but since some of us (obviously not me) need all the help they can get I decided to update the blog with them and add some to it. You're welcome. This should be like a guidebook for you guys...a totally awesome guidebook written by someone who may or may not have a tad of amazing in them. Also? That person is me. Just wanted to be perfectly clear on that....me.


#1- Ladies, stop trying to take the remote out of your mans hands just because his eyes are closed and he snored through the entire episode of Sons of Anarchy. He's just resting his eyes. Plus you know the second you touch the remote he'll jerk awake and tighten his grip and say "I'm watching that". So what that the show ended 20 minutes ago and now its a rerun of Desperate Housewives. The trick is to slap it away so he doesn't have time to tighten his grip. Then you scramble for it before he is fully functional. Everyone knows that.


#2- men, stop questioning your women about why they need another pair of black shoes. Those shoes are totally different than the ones they already have. And yes we need the same pair in multiple colors. Stop being stupid. Same rule applies to purses. You don't have to understand it, just know its a fact. Why do you need multiple sports jerseys?? Or have to watch different teams play? Exactly.


#3- ladies stop asking your man how this outfit, shoes, hair look. His answer is always going to be "fine". The first outfit was fine, the shoes look fine, your hair looks fine, either way is fine. There are two reasons for this. First, he cannot tell the difference between the two shoes you are wearing. They look exactly the same to them even though one is clearly a peep toe and the other a wedge. Text your girlfriend a picture and have them tell you. You know they will be like "no you look like a sausage in a casing in that dress". Second, guys just want you to shut up and get the F*%^ dressed so you can leave to go to the damn movie!! They will tell you it looks fine even if you are wearing two different shoes and no pants. If they do give you detailed critique I suspect they may be playing for the other team and you should probably rethink the relationship. Or be happy you have a shopping buddy. One of those.


#4- men, sometimes a backrub is just a backrub. Your woman just wants you to give her a backrub without you expecting anything to come of it. Don't poke or prod...it's just annoying. I cannot stress this enough. Just do something selfless for once. It won't kill you. Probably it will be rewarded at some point. Just not right then. Also, a surprise massage without having to be asked, just to be nice, wins mega points. Which you can then use as leverage later. Much much later.


#5- ladies, stop talking to your men while they are watching sports. First, they cannot hear you. Men don't multitask. Period. Second, they don't want to hear you. They can talk to you during commercial or halftime or a stretching break, but not during a 60 yard touchdown or sudden death goal attempt. I'm not entirely sure what those mean but I'm almost positive it's both good and something that happens in some type of sport. Thirdly, it's just plain annoying. There are only three exceptions to this rule and that's if the questions are one of the following; Can I get you a beer? Can I get you a sandwich? Can I service you? Anything else can and should wait. Your best bet is to just leave the house and go hang out with your friends or go shopping. Probably you should ask if it's ok to buy yourself something frivolous. Since they aren't listening anyway chances are they will say yes. Everyone wins.


#6- ladies, if you have to ask your man if he just checked out that girls boobs, ass, etc...he did. Don't be a duh. He still loves you but unless you poked out his eyes when you landed him he didn't go blind. Plus then you wouldn't want him anyway cause his eyes are now weepy, infected, pussholes. And you know you checked her out too. Please. Give it a rest, insecurity is super annoying. Also, don't be all self righteous like you don't check out the half naked Abercrombie guy in the mall, do a double take and then turn to your friend and stay "holy shit did you see the abs on that dude?!". And then try and surreptitiously take a picture of your friend with him in the background. But then he waves you over and you walk swiftly away like a giggling idiot. It happens. All the time. Trust me. You're welcome.


#7- ladies, men are fairly straightforward creatures. Give them sex and food and they are happy. For the most part. I heard it best put like this. Men have two emotions, horny and hungry. If you see a man without an erection, get him a sandwich. For real, ask them. Probably they would like one or the other right now. See? You owe me a dollar...for the bet we just made, except it was in my mind but it still totally counts. Send it to my house, in cash. So help me if you pay me in pennies I will stab you. And stop with the I have a headache bullshit. First, you don't have a headache. Second, what the hell is wrong with you? You know you like it once you are doing it. Stop being such an asshole. Third, it's super lame. Your men need to have sex on the regular, and lets face it, you are a lot less bitchy when you get some. We all are. If you aren't giving it to your man, someone else would be happy to. I'm just saying a couple times a week would be cool. I will allow for some creative excuses though. Like, I can't tonight because my phone attacked my face and now I have to be on the lookout for more sneak attacks. Or, I wish I could but I cut my foot earlier and my shoe is filling up with blood. Or possibly, In that case, how can you be expected to perform? Its basic science. 


#8- men, your women fake it. Probably more than you suspect. I don't know why you are so surprised about this. It's not the end of the world. Women have this insane need to make men feel good about their prowess. I don't know why...probably its because we are so awesome. You will never know the difference either...cause we are just that good. Seriously. We are. Don't bother arguing with me. I said don't bother. It's ok though. The blame lies with the women. I swear it does and here's why. Women, knock that crap off!! It's your own fault if you are faking it. Men want you to "arrive", but if you fake it they think what they are doing is working and you set up an unfair precedent. Probably you should just tell them exactly what you want and where. They are not frigging mind readers. I mean come on. See what I did there? Anyway, you have no one to blame but yourself. If you don't know what you need to arrive, I can't help you...and you should probably be the first to be eaten in the zombie apocalypse. You aren't using your brain anyway.   
    


#9- ladies, if your man likes to see you in certain clothes, shoes, hairstyle, or level of makeup...just do it for them. What the shit is the problem? He is who you want to think you look good right? Unless he wants you in creepy costumes (like a zombie, or Sarah Palin, or a cat), or to have a mullet, or to wear really ugly Herman Munster shoes. That just isn't cool. Also, probably you should lay out his clothes in the morning so he doesn't look like an idiot. Or tell him he looks stupid and should change. One of those. But if he likes to see you in heels for instance, shut your facehole and wear them...at least at home, in the bedroom. Heh heh heh. 


#10- men, you will never understand women. We are mysterious, amazing entities. Probably we are a little bit crazy sometimes, but that is just part of our charm. Just love us for the awesome people that we are and accept the crazy. Embrace the crazy, love the crazy, live the crazy. Don't be like, "yeah you are", either cause you guys are just as nuts. Probably.


Learn it, live it, know it.


Deuces!   

The Ghetto Ass circus - a tale of clowns, acrobats and mustard

Editors note: I may or may not have embellished parts of the story for comic effect. Also, some parts I just made up entirely.


My beautiful daughter Kayden celebrated her 3rd birthday this last Friday. She's basically the smartest, most beautiful and amazing child that has ever lived in the history of kids...except my other daughter Bailey of course. So to celebrate my sister had some tickets to the Picadilly Circus and we thought that would be a fun thing for take the kids to. Our first sign of impending ghetto assness should have been that it was held at the Sonoma County Fairgrounds. But the hell with it, we'll be happy to check that shit out!! Let it be said that I partly, and by partly I mean totally, blame Mindy for not warning me. Not cool Mindy, not cool.


It was a dark and rainy Saturday night. We departed from Sonoma around 6:30 with 5 in my car and another 4 in Eryns friends car (whose name I cannot remember because I am an asshole). We arrived at the fairgrounds around 7:10 and waited in line to park. Let the ridiculous fees commence. $6 for parking but whatever. As we all get out and start walking we realize there are no signs for this alleged circus. Suddenly, as we round the main building there is a line. But something seems off about this line.


Eryn- is there a reason that every girl in line is wearing hooker shoes and crotch revealing dresses?


Me- maybe they are performers. Also, you shouldn't judge the whores.


Random dude with a dollar store flashlight/airplane wand- the circus is down to the left.


Me- why did he assume we were circus going folk? Are we dressed like carnies? Or toothless hillbillies?


Eryn- Ummmm maybe cause everyone in that line is Hispanic? And dressed like hoochies?


Me- oh, so they are....so they are.


As we walk up to the building on the left I realized it was the hall of flowers building. Now that's high class right there, I can't believe they defiled the building like that. Right before we get there is a ragtag group of protestors. By ragtag I mean like 3 people with flyers and what appears to be a homemade sandwich board sign saying "don't support the circus". Well thanks a lot lady, a little late for that warning don't you think? I'm like 2 steps from the door and have 6 kids with me. I take her stupid flyer that tells about how abused the animals are. 


As if I didn't know that the elephants don't want to perform stupid tricks for our enjoyment. The girl thanked me, which was nice considering I continued right past her up to the building. Also, she made me feel like a bigger asshole cause she was nice. I hate her. So we walked right up to the ticket booth (I use that term lightly) and the guy, who doesn't even look at me, is all "$30" and I'm all WTF are you serious? Perhaps he didn't hear me or was just ignoring me because he didn't respond. Then I see the sign that says today's show will not include the tiger, monkey or kangaroo. 


Me: what the shit? No tiger, monkey or kangaroo? What kind of ghetto circus are you running here?


Booth guy: silence


Me: I feel like since I am being shorted 3 animals I should get a 30% discount. How about I give you $21 and we call it even.


Booth guy: silence


Me: fucking carnies, here's your damn money you thieving shady bastard. 


Actually only part of that is true but looking back that is what should have happened. Also, they only took cash (hella shady right) and I only had $28 on me so Eryn had to spot me the other $2. I am not repaying her. So we get our tickets and go inside. There was no line anywhere because there were exactly 26 people inside. Possibly more but it's not important. We find some seats and another carny yells out "VIP ringside seats are still available, upgrade now". Really, they are still available? What was your first clue? The fact that there are folding chairs in two rows around the ring, and there are exactly 5 people sitting in them? We sit in an empty row close to the exit...just in case the abused circus animals decide to go on a rampage and trample everyone in the stands. It happens, and its a perfectly valid fear. Also, we checked out our, roll down under the stands pulling the kids with us options. Cause we are amazing parents. Then next to me this jerk lady totally puts her leg up on the bench as it that would discourage us from sitting in front of her. I took it as a personal challenge and scooted right next to her foot to make it as awkward for her as possible. Then I kinda mooshed her foot over with my butt. She persisted. So I turned and said oh so politely, "do you think you can move your effing foot so we can all sit here?" She was not amused, who knows why, I'm not a psychic. So I sat on her foot. Cause that's what happens when you are bench hogging bitch. She huffed and moved after that. There was really no need to be all huffy about though. She must have been having a bad day.


Across the room we spy pony rides. Eryn asked Kayden if she wanted to ride and of course she did. She had a blast. I suspect the pony hated us and wanted to trample us with his tiny hooves. He had an evil pony kind of vibe to him. You know how some ponies have that look.

I hate humans, I want to trample them with my tiny pony hooves

The kids were hungry so we went to the 4 miniature booths where the options were soggy hotdogs, nachos, popcorn, cotton candy or a snow cone. I decided on the hot dogs and a nacho. I asked the dude how much and he says $4 and I'm all seriously, and he just stared at me. So I ask for 2 dogs and a nacho and hand him a $20. He hands me the two hot dogs and nacho and I am trying to balance them and he goes to the next person. Then I realize he didn't give me my change so I turn back around and only THEN does he pull out and give me back $7. I'm positive he ripped me off but carnies have that crazy look and I didn't want him to get me with his carny powers so I just left. Then it was time for the fun to begin. Now I didn't take pictures sadly so I will do my best to describe it. First came the motorcycle guys. They did the round cage trick thingy and it was actually very cool. Next came the clown. I also use this term loosely because really it was the scariest, fat non clown in the world. He barely had a clown face. He looked more like a hobo. A fat well fed hobo. Here is a picture.

I like to eat children!

I'm totally kidding but Shawn posted that and it scared the living shit out of me so You're Welcome. He drove out an old timey car and did this whole act like a mime. OK it wasn't like a mime but apparently microphones are too expensive so he just yelled...but not terribly loudly. There was fire and water squirting and probably a midget...excuse me...little person, under the hood throwing out M80's every so often. The car also drove itself which both worried and fascinated me. I couldn't help but picture the act going horribly wrong and running over the VIP people. That's what happens when you think you are so cool and sit in VIP at a ghetto ass circus. You get run over by a self driving car with midgets under the hood. Although I was incredibly disappointed that there was no 45 midget clowns come out of the clown car part of the act. Since there appeared to be only 10 people in the whole show just doing a costume change, and it was ghetto ass, I should not have been surprised. During his act, they were disassembling the motorcycle cage thing. Band Bang Bang. 


me: you've got to be kidding me!


foot lady: rolls eyes


me: SERIOUSLY!!! Can you not wait until after? I mean it's not like you have to clean up after the non-existent tigers, monkeys or boxing kangaroos.


foot lady: turns away in a huff


Then one of the carnies comes by while the guy in front of us is snapping pictures and says "no flash photography" and I think, why cause it will startle the human performers and they will go crazy and trample the crowd? Then came some more "clowns" doing a whole still silent act about this case that supposedly had a tiger in it. However since I knew there would be no tiger from the aforementioned sign, I was not fooled by their overdone pyrotechnics and bad sound. Since there were only shows on Friday and Saturday, I strongly suspected that either the tiger ate the monkey and the boxing kangaroo tried to punch him in the face to stop him, or there were never animals at all. It was all a clever ruse to lure you in. So anyway, after 5 long minutes of looking in the cage, then running away as the piped in roar sounded, the "tiger" came out...which turns out was actually a chihuahua in a costume. Poor thing looked traumatized. Especially since I'm pretty sure they set off a M80 in the cage and he was now blind and deaf.


Then came the balancing dude. The only funny thing about his act was that he fell off the pedestal. People falling is always funny. I laughed really loudly and the same foot sitting lady was not pleased. He wasn't hurt, he just sucked. I started to realize this was a human circus, which totally blew. I'm sure there were a couple other "acts" but then something amazing happened. The lights dimmed, the music changed, and out from behind the red velvet curtain came......Trans-mother fucking-formers!!! Side note: You could fully see behind the curtain. It was free standing in the middle of the room but was only like 20 feet wide in a 100 foot room.


me (screaming): Oh shit, Autobots and Decepticons! It just got real up in this circus!!


foot lady: hmpff


me (gesturing excitedly): That's Optimus Prime bitch, Optimus Prime!


foot lady: silence


Jonathan: hahahahahahahahahaha


There was some half hearted clapping and then the lights came on and the announcer says that for a fee you can get your picture taken with the Transformers or a giant Britney Spears snake. During intermission we let Kayden jump in the bouncy house (which I now think probably was not wise considering I doubted they ever cleaned it) and then she got to ride the elephant. 

Yeah we love the abused elephant!

The ride was in a circle behind the oh so mysterious curtain and lasted all of about :42 seconds and cost Eryn $10. Kayden loved it. As we returned to our seats the Transformers came walking by and I realized it was just the clowns in costume. I was incredibly disillusioned. The show resumed with a roller skating act. That's right, that just happened. They were on a 5 diameter circle and was a male/female team. Mostly they spun in a circle and sometimes he lifted her. The coolest part was when they put on this pair of giant soft handcuffs, but around their necks and dude swung her around in a circle by her neck. Then she started spinning around while they were spinning around. It was madness. What would have made it even more awesome is if the hook broke and she went flying but then did a flip and landed on her skates and rolled away. That would have been epic. After that was a really long and fairly boring music routine where three "clowns" played various instruments. Possibly there was also another act or two but around that time Eryn pointed out the girl in front of her. On the back of her sweatshirt was a big blog of mustard. I immediately whipped out my phone and took a picture to post on Facebook. If I was a nicer person I would have let her know and offered her a napkin, but earlier she almost sat on my kids hot dog so I wasn't feeling particularly helpful. I suspect the foot lady did it but I was much too polite to point it out. 

oopsie, someone spilled mustard on that lady! Awkward!

Then there was a guy who spun some weird metal shapes really fast. He was lame. Then came the contortionist. I will admit, that chick could bend. She also shot a bow and arrow at a balloon, with her feet, whilst doing a handstand! I thought I was cool cause I could pick up a pencil with my toes. The last act was the elephants. They walked in a circle and on their hind legs, and did some handstands...all of which was pretty cool I suppose. Then at last the show was over. 

Yes that's the VIP seating and the famous curtain

Even though it was a ghetto ass circus, the kids really enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed the story...try and guess which parts are true. I think you will be surprised. 

My Stewardship talk...and why it's awesome. Toot Toot!

About a month ago I was asked to give a talk at church on Stewardship. Don't worry if you don't know what that means. You will soon see that I too didn't really know so I had to look it up...it's called Google people. Check it out. Then I gave that speech during both services the first Sunday in October. i got applause, I'm just sayin'. I also used props. When I do something I give 100%. Not 150% because that is just ridiculous...you can only give 100%. Why do people even say that? Cause they are trying to toot their own horn and be braggy bragersons. You will see why this is relevant in a minute so just hold your damn horses.


Anyhoo, a week or two ago at church Ted (our pastor) gave everyone a rock and a Sharpie and on it we were supposed to write the name or names of the people who most influence our spiritual path. Someone who inspires you and motivates you to try and be a better person. I wrote my mom, Ted and Kandi on mine. Then we all took it to the front of the church and loudly dropped it into the basket and said the names out loud. It was pretty cool. However, what happened next was even cooler. As I was leaving the sanctuary a new couple stopped me. The man (whose name I really should know but don't so shut up about it) told me that mine was the name he wrote on his rock. Isn't that amazing? I mean, besides the fact that he obviously knows my name and I don't know his and that makes me a pretty big asshole. Before you get all villagers with torches on me, in all fairness my name was in the bulletin. He said that my talk was awesome and I should be given an award. OK he didn't actually say any of that. What he did say was that my talk had totally inspired him and that I was the one who he looked up to! I swear. How bitchen is that? Another church member said I made him cry. Pretty cool right? So I thought I would share with you my talk. I thought it was just ok but here you go anyway. 

Stewardship

Loretta asked me to give this stewardship talk a couple weeks ago. I accepted, obviously, but didn’t really think about what exactly it meant I had to talk about. I probably asked her 3 times what it should be about. Was there a outline…or a suggested topics sheet? It’s simple, she said…just talk about your experience with this church, and why you love it and want to support it. Should be easy right? Except I found myself wondering, “what is stewardship?” So I Googled it.

Now for everyone here today who also didn’t really grasp what stewardship means but are too embarrassed to ask here is the description I liked best.

There are various intentions of the word stewardship. However, I describe it as a responsibility for any blessings you may have. Your blessings could include your talents, time, or financial freedom. If you are responsible with these blessings, it means that you care for and share them with others.

Although stewardship is generally a religious term, I believe all people can live a life of stewardship. After all, we live only briefly in this world, and our possessions won’t come with us when we leave. It is up to us to care for what we have, when we have it.

When I think of stewardship, there are three main categories that help me to understand how I can act as a good steward:

1.   Treasure – We must share our financial success with those who have less than we do.

2.   Talent – A good steward shares his or her talents in order to benefit others.

3.   Time – Our time is one of our most valuable possessions. A good steward dedicates some of his or her spare time in order to do good.

By giving of our treasure, talent, and time, we are good stewards of what we are so fortunate to have received. Whether you believe you received them from a higher power or more basic human circumstance, you are a unique individual with your own special set of skills and talents that can be used to help others.

See, I have been a part of this particular church for my entire life. Well, at least 33 of my 35 years, give or take a few months. I don’t really have anything to compare it to. I am a Methodist…always have been and always will be. So why do I love this church and want to support it? Interesting question. Why wouldn’t I love this church…is probably a more appropriate thing to ask? Coming here every Sunday is like going home. I am comfortable here. I feel love here. I feel connected with God here. I have a family here. Many of you have known me most of my life. Some have only had that pleasure since I returned here after what I call “the dark years”. You know, the late teenage years when most churches lose their young adults for a while.

But this church was much too awesome to say goodbye to forever. During Ted’s first stint here, I came back. My mom had been on me for a while to at least come and check out the new first service. It took one day and I was back as if I never left. I was welcomed back into the fold as if no break had occurred. That’s what church families do. The one down side to being in the same church your whole life is that everybody knows everything about you, knows what a brat I was from oh about age 16 to 20. But they still love me.

Let me tell you a little bit about my history in this church. I was about 1 ½, maybe 2 when I started coming here. My mom had taken the position of Director at Sunshine and with it came the requirement that you attend the church. Little did we know at the time, that requirement would become a one of the best things to happen to us. My every day and many nights were spent on these grounds, either in this church or at Sunshine. This church has given me countless gifts. I attended Sunday School with Alice Friesen. I grew up with the same group of kids even though we all attended different schools. When I was 8, we celebrated my dad’s life in this sanctuary. Later my friends and I tortured Kandi Weider in youth group. I was the child care worker for years as a teenager. My sister and I were baptized in this church. I received my confirmation from Claude Friesen on September 9, 1990 just after my 14^th birthday. I have the certificate to prove it right here (prop 1, the certificate). A year or so later I received my first bible in this church (prop 2, my first bible). I have celebrated first my sisters, and then my own marriage in this church. I have now had two of my own children to add to our church family, Kayden age 2 1/2, and Bailey age 1…or as you may remember them both…baby Jesus in the Christmas pageant for the last few years. I have seen countless baptisms, confirmations, welcoming of new members, and seen people come and go. I attended the funeral of my longest and first pastor, Claude in this church.

In all our lives there are always events stand out. Obviously my dad dying when I was 8 was one of those events. But one of the things I remember most about that time was being in this church, sitting here in the front pew with my family while Claude held the memorial service. After the service was over we sat in that pew, while person after person after person came by us in an endless stream to offer their condolences. I remember being hugged a hundred times. I remember how many people were here. I remember our church family being there for us then just like they are now. The night my father died, I was in this church.

Now as an adult, I have the opportunity to give the same gifts I have been receiving all these years to the next generation. I have taught Sunday School for the last 4 or 5 years, and before that, volunteered doing child care. I have served on committees, volunteered at events and work days, play in the bell choir, and served as a lay speaker during church. For me, giving to this church and to my church family is not just about giving money (although we need that so feel free to tithe as much as you can, as often as you can).

There are so many ways we can all help to grow this church, so that my children and all the other children can have the same experience I had with this church. That’s why I come here. I want my kids to love this place as much as I do. Already my 2 year old wakes up in the morning and if I am not at work, her first question is…Is today a church day? One of the things I love most about this church is our first service. It’s loud, and relaxed, there is kid noise, and laughter and singing. I don’t have to feel bad if my kids are noisy. It’s because they are so comfortable here and it’s such a big part of their lives. Even the baby already knows what children’s time is and starts heading up to the front of the church as soon as I let her go. They feel that same love that I have always felt here. The same sense of community, of connection with each other, of comfort. Every Sunday I can expect to leave here feeling like I have a goal for the week, something to think about, and ponder. Sometimes I am laughing, other times crying. But always better than I did before I came.

Have you ever been asked “why do you need to go to church?” Why would I want to give up my Sunday when it could be my only day to “sleep in”? Why do you have to go to church to talk to GOD? Why do you give money to the church? And on and on and on. What do you say? My response is always, “I go to church not because I can only commune with God there, but for the fellowship. To be in one place with people who believe the same thing I do. To deliberately take the time out of my hectic life, to be with God. And I support my church because they support me. I get a lot more out of the relationship than they do so I’m getting the better end of the deal.”

There are times when we maybe can’t financially afford to tithe as much as we want to. Some years I can set a giving amount, and some years I give what I can, as often as I can. A suggestion I heard during one of the stewardship drives that always stuck with me was this. An easy way to make this church family a priority in your life, is to add the church to your bill paying process. We all pay bills unfortunately, and I find it easiest to add the tithe to my list of bills, so that I make sure the church gets my money just as regularly as PG&E or Comcast does. Plus, I know they will do more with it.

I will leave you with this quote I found on Stewardship. “Don’t tithe because you feel you have to.  Tithe joyfully in faith knowing God is going to do great things with that money.  Do it as an expression of your love for Him.  

Are YOU still asking, “what is stewardship?”

I know right? Amazing. 

Toot Toot! Toot, mother effing Toot!